Author Note: Now before anyone gets their Victoria Secret panties in a twist, let me make something very clear: I’m not intentionally offending any standardized religion especially Christianity or Catholicism. It’s all unintentional. Personally, religion isn’t my cup of wine. I prefer to be evil because I have much more fun that way. With that said, if you are one of those retarded Jesus-freaks that sees anything even remotely sarcastic or humor-based in bad taste, then save yourself the trouble and go read one of my other more religion-friendly stories, like the one questioning why God (or whatever religious deity you believe in) had to create beautiful women with ugly vaginas. What the fuck is up with that?

Jesus isn't taking any more bullshit. Jesus has a gun.

Ok, let’s use our imaginations and pretend Jesus Christ never died for our sins on the cross thousands of years ago. Let’s pretend he was living in exile in some run down shanty in bumfuck Syria. I don’t know about you, but I’d be pretty damn cranky even if I was the son of God. He might have been high and mighty then, but having seen what this world has become I’m pretty sure he’s fed up and ornery. This is how Jesus would act if he was alive in 2009:

Jesus, Noah, and Moses after an all night wine bender:

MOSES: “Let my people GO!”
2009 Jesus “Shut the fuck up Moses, like seriously”
MOSES: “Jesus, but my people need to stop worshiping false idols!”
2009 Jesus “You are going to be worshiping my foot in your ass if you don’t shut up. Jesus has a hangover. Don’t make me put you on Noah’s ark with the animals”
NOAH: “What ark, Jesus? I shall not forsaken you for–”
2009 Jesus “Noah, shut the fuck up, too. I’m Jesus, bitch. Get me some more wine and be quick about it or I’ll flood your life with God’s waste and call it humanity. Oh wait. I’m too damn late, FML!”
NOAH: “Yes, master”
2009 Jesus “Oh, and fuck unicorns. God said no more unicorns because they keep crapping all over the villagers and stabbing people to death. I’m putting a stop to that shit RIGHT NOW. Now how about a high five for Jesus’ subtle pun?”.
NOAH: “But Jesus of Nazareth, what shall I replace the unicorns with?”
2009 Jesus “Poison dart frogs, box jelly fish, and toss in one Bigfoot”.

____________________

Jesus with Peter, one of his 12 apostles:

PETER: “Jesus, may I follow thee?”
2009 Jesus “Yeah, Jesus needs another follower like Mary needs her virginity back, get the fuck outtah here”
PETER: “Jesus I am going to write that the majority of Christians view the similarities between specific Western Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, and many Protestant doctrines found in their Catechetical or confessional texts as the word of God, ok?”
2009 Jesus “What the fuck did you just say?”
PETER: “I said that–”
2009 Jesus “I heard what you said, fucktard. I’m the son of God. I heard it before you even thought it. Now who does Jesus have to condemn to get a blowjob around these parts?”.
PETER: “Jesus, uhhh… that’s not proper conduct for the messiah of Christian–”.
2009 Jesus “What am I, surrounded by Jews?”
PETER: “Actually, yes”
2009 Jesus “Fuck me running”
PETER: “That’s not very God like, either”
2009 Jesus “Neither is burning in hell for eternity. Fuck off Peter, Jesus wants some pink stink NOW!”.

____________________

Jesus conversing with a born-again Christian about his past infedility:

RANDOM SINNER: “Jesus, I pray that you will bring me peace, happiness, and give my wife a healthy and happy life”
2009 Jesus “Didn’t you cheat on your wife with a Peruvian slave hooker?”
RANDOM SINNER: “I did, but you forgave me for my sins and now I’m a born again Christian”
2009 Jesus “More like ‘born again dumbass‘”
RANDOM SINNER: “What do you mean, my holiness?”
2009 Jesus “Nothing, fine. I forgive you. Now go fetch Jesus some white Zinfandel and be snappy about it. I don’t want to miss Jerry Springer. I heard your wife is on the “Idiot Husbands” segment today”.

____________________

Jesus isn’t really known for his tact with atheists, especially in 2009:

ATHEIST: “How do I know you are the real deal, Jesus?”
2009 Jesus “How do you know I’m not the real deal, smart guy?”
ATHEIST: “Well, empirical evidence and Darwin says that you are really a product of Creationalistic—”
2009 Jesus “Shut the fuck up right now, just stop talking. That’s all wrong”
ATHEIST: “But I know that you’re not—what, I’m wrong? Prove it!”
2009 Jesus “Do you believe in the Easter bunny?”
ATHEIST: “What? Why? No, of course not, the Easter bunny doesn’t exist, obviously!!!”
2009 Jesus “Proved. Your planetary race has been around for tens of thousands of years and you still believe in fairy tales? I bet you believe in leprechauns, too. Hey, on my birthday you can ask Santa if he’s more real than me, dipshit.”
ATHEIST: “Fair, but can you explain the Bible? What’s that all about?”
2009 Jesus “Stories. Good ones, too. They were the best stories until Harry Potter came around and stole my thunder.”
ATHEIST: “Jesus, if you ARE real, you have to be the biggest cynic in the world!”
2009 Jesus “Try putting up with idiots like you for 2,000+ years. Want to know why the planet sucks? Because you moronic throwbacks of evolution keep arguing about what I supposedly said and meant. Then, you boringly normal human beings with no Superman-Jesus powers like me made it all up and slaughtered people that disagreed with your hierarchy structure and fear logic. Is my name on the front of the Bible saying, Authored by Jesus? No, some King James motherfucker stole that from me. Do you have any DNA evidence of my existence? I watch CSI every week. I know if you can find half a millimeter of a pubic hair on a toothbrush in the ass crack of a kangaroo, proving me real should be a walk in the park.

I’m the most talked about man in history and all I want is to get a good night’s sleep without one of you idiots praying for stupid shit you don’t need. So kick rocks. Jesus needs a nap, some willing jailbait whores from Myspace, and a couple dozen Quaalude’s for this splitting headache. And toss in a bag of weed for Nick’s homegirl, Jammie.

Oh, and I’m sick of driving my Maserati down Hollywood and Vine and dealing with all these pretentious rich idiots in their Beemers and Benzes. I’m going to revoke their Heaven pass for being selfish. In the meantime, I’m going to go back to the prehistoric days and travel by Raptor.  That should clear out traffic a little:

Me, Jesus, on my kick-ass Raptor. I get better gas mileage than you