I’m an even-tempered guy. Generally, it takes a lot to rattle my nerves, but some groups of people have a natch for getting on my bad side. Next to crack-toting gangbangers, hot girls with a sense of entitlement, and conservative bible-thumping rednecks, old people piss me the fuck off.

All across the United States enterprising developers build fabulous retirement communities in the desert for old fucks. Sun City, Arizona is a prime example. Sun City is called ‘Sun City’ because it is sunny, hot, and well, its a damn city. It’s so sunny, in fact, I think the last time it rained in Sun City dinosaurs were still alive. Seriously.

North of San Diego, California there is another retirement community in Moreno Valley. You don’t have to be a Criss-Angel-psychic-guru to guess where: in the middle of the fucking desert. And if you think these development owners are doing this by accident, guess again.

Old people themselves are a baron human wasteland, so it just makes sense to ship them to a baron wasteland to die off. Sure enough, like moth’s to an illuminated beer sign, they show up to these desert retirement prisons by the van full. And sure enough, they drop dead from heat exhaustion or dehydration as quickly as their younger relatives can bus them in.

I think it’s nature’s way of natural selection. It’s a subtle way of  saying, “come out here and die away from the population. Please, we hope you die of heat exhaustion because a bullet costs money”. Deserts are full of ways to die aside from the climate. Poisonous snakes and scorpions? Check. Sand tornadoes? Check. And it’s a known Nickfact that the majority of UFO-related abductions happen in deserts away from the city life. When was the last time you heard about somebody getting abducted by curious aliens on Hollywood and Vine without being whacked out on acid? Never.

In Sun City the old people zoom around in these motorized golf carts. Not only are the elderly typically blind, stupid, and have zero sense of direction, but they are speeding around at 40mph on a golf cart with no roll bars, seat belts, or any form of protection. When they crash into each other, which they frequently do, their decrepit bodies leave twisted bones and old people goo all over the street for the Mexican janitor people to clean up. Disgusting.Hilariously morbid, but disgusting.

So next time you see a commercial for “Shady Palms”, “Shady Oaks”, or “Shady As Hell” retirement homes, take a look at where they are: in the middle of the desert. Then look at the geriatric wastelands wandering around like lost zombies looking for their Alzheimer’s medication in the commercial. Is that where you want to ship your great grandparents when they start shitting on the carpet and getting locked in the closet? Hell yes.

Old people… ship ‘em to the fucking desert, that’s what I say.