In lieu of black history month and national breast cancer month, I decided to dedicate a few entries here on LifeAsNick.com to BHM. I wanted to dedicate a few entries to national breast cancer month but the few female friends I have told me it would be in bad taste if I posted pictures of perky-tit Hollywood starlets that I want to fuck. Putting up pictures of tits is never in bad taste, but I listen to them because they have tits and support my booze addiction. I call that a fair compromise. I just say “no” to breast cancer. Perky tits, live on.

Anyhoo, welcome to part 1 of Nick’s Black History Month, featuring everybody’s favorite rapper, Lil Wayne!

[ Now listen, I am a big proponent towards racial equality. All my friends are beaners. Some are black, two are Middle Eastern, one is from India, and I even have a few white friends. We constantly clown on each other because we are smart enough to break down racial boundaries. If you're one of those stuck-up types that like to bitch about people writing about race on the internet and you take shit personally, then go bitch somewhere else, Al Sharpton. I ain't havin' it. It's all fun and games around here. ]

Thus, I present my first tribute to Nick’s Black History Month: LIL MOTHERFUCKIN’ WAYNE!

Oh, come on, you don't want none of this man.

I love Lil Wayne’s music. I really do. Now, that doesn’t make me a hip-hop aficionado by any stretch of the mind. I enjoy music that entertains me. Lil Wayne entertains me. In fact, half the things he says is syrup-fueled garbage that doesn’t make any sense. Like me after I drink six 40oz’s of Steel Reserve. Yes, I’m an alcoholic. Fun, ain’t it?

Lil Wayne doesn’t fuck around when it comes to the lyrics. Have you ever been so fucking drunk and high out of your mind that you spit a verse and thought it was the illest shit ever conceived? Welcome to The Carter III.

“I’M RIDING BY MYSELF IN THAT FERRARI ENZO/I TELL HO’S TO SUCK ME OFF, GOT THOSE TINTED WINDOWS/THE WIND FLOWS THROUGH MY TINTED FLOWS/I BLOW THROUGH THESE HO’S NOSTRILS LIKE A PRO“

Is that a Lil Wayne verse or was that written by some internet writer guy? You’ll never know. But that’s the cool part. That’s what makes Wayne, Wayne. If he says something that makes even half an ounce of sense you’ll wonder if he was the victim of an intervention. Or if that day he had a really snazzy ghostwriter.

I was out in Vegas towards the beginning of the year. My best friend is an MTV reality star so the perks of being with someone ten times more successful than me was in full effect. I was VIP in Encore’s new Club XS drinking for free (thank you stupid blond girls who thought I was a bouncer ‘watching their drinks’. Yes, I watched them all right. I watched them go right down my throat for free). I know, I’m a douchebag. But $16 a drink is… pricey, even for Vegas.

Anyways, I was talking to a girl that thought my best friend was the sexiest man ever. She asked me what I do for a living while he was chatting up some other skanks. “A writer”, I bellowed over the music. “WHAT? A waiter?“. I almost said something witty and sexist when all of a sudden I hear Lil Wayne over the speakers:

“He’s so sweet… he wanna lick the rapper… she licked me like a lollipop… shorty wanna thug, bottles in the club… shorty wanna hump…”.

I’ll be damned if I didn’t start dry-humping her. Could MLK, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, or even Bo Jackson get me to do that under any other circumstance? Fuck no, but Lil Wayne did. For the entire song I bobbed my head and pretended like I knew how to dance much to the chagrin of the blond slut strutting her stuff in front of me.

I remember back in high school I would party with my good friend and local disc jockey, DJ Minit. Even in Southern California back in 1999 and 2000 Lil Wayne was the bomb.com. Minit would spin some dope ass records for all us drunk high school kids, but when Lil Wayne would be played, even when he was Cash Money’s errand boy, I’d watch suburban, rich white kids go, “that’s mah nigga right there”. Fast forward ten years and I see the same damn thing, except now Wayne isn’t an errand boy for a record label, HE IS HIP-HOP’s posterboy and the CEO of the very same label. Wow. Even if you hate him or think he’s a clown you can’t deny his success.

I bet you $500 in Monopoly money that President Obama has some Lil Wayne in his iPod.

Now that’s gangsta.