Disclaimer: The following article is a sarcastic anecdote intended solely for enjoyment purposes. The jaded, and otherwise misogynistic author of this document, while having slanderous intentions, must remind you that his well-intended opinions have been furnished compliments of Miller High Life. Furthermore, by reading this document and applying it towards a woman, men may be subject to any of the following: injury to the groin area, restraining orders, sudden loss of clothing/hair, banishment, lack of sexual activity, nose bleeds, violent diarrhea, death by impalement, legal indictment, or at minimum, divorce.

You have been forewarned.

Before you go any further, grab a beer, put on a good playlist and tell your woman/girlfriend/slave that you are busy. You are doing ‘man’ stuff now.

Man has spent his entire existence pondering the laws of the universe. The Italian physicist, Galileo, spent the better part of his years perfecting a telescope that enabled him to make many astronomical discoveries. But ask yourself this question: who gives a shit about space? Many mysteries still exist right here on planet Earth. The most perplexing existence, still undiscovered, belongs to our own species: the woman.

Thanks to years of experience, I have studied “the woman” in their natural habitat. Through a rigorous trial-and-error process, I studied many a woman and came to find how their mind works (or doesn’t work). By understanding a woman’s psyche, I now have the ability to know what they want, something previously deemed impossible. As a result of these years of study and perseverance, I devised the following detailed strategy of attracting, capturing, handling, and taming the elusive beast known as “the woman”.

Part I: Money.

If you go to any public event, you’ll see an unattractive man with a beautiful woman just about everywhere you look. Why does this happen? Do these men know something that all men don’t? No, of course not. There is only one reason for this: these men have a great deal of money.

Let’s use one of the arteries of your heart as an example. In this metaphor, women are comparable to blood-sucking vampire bats that can never have enough blood until your vein is dry, your heart stopped, your body rotten and decayed, and your agony has seeped into every crevice of your soul. This is called the “heart break” for vacuous males.

Part II: The Big Dick.

Besides money, the most influential element in enticing a female is a big dick. You either have a big dick or you don’t. If you don’t, I don’t know what to tell you. Make more money, I guess? Hire a black guy and pay him to give her a Dirty Sanchez? Either your genetics work in your favor, or they don’t. Then again, there is always Viagra, Cialis, and Enzyte. The guys on those commercials really look happy about their endowments.

Part III: The Vocab.

Money and a big donkey dick can only get you so far. There are several other aspects you must perfect in order to attract a woman. Your vocabulary is important. For instance, a proper greeting for a woman should be: “Hey baby, let me tattoo your face with my dick”. This shows your vocal prowess.

Granted, such direct honesty and verbal wordplay might be met with harsh criticism, but your confidence far exceeds a woman’s pessimism, right? Women are impressed with narcissistic arrogance. Generally, however, impressing a woman is as easy as talking about lawn care, things you find wrong with her appearance, or why Oprah is God’s gift to women.

Part IV: The Husband Card.

Now that you have a trophy catch you need to learn how to keep her around. First and foremost, make dowry arrangements. Just remember, hurricanes are named after women for a reason. Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and your car. Nick’s Man Law states: CYFA: a.k.a COVER YOUR FUCKING ASS.

So with that said, I’m going to provide a few anecdotes for dealing with an untamed woman and her FEMALE SPEAK:

HER: I love you
TRUTH: I can no longer take anything from you, so I will settle with what I got.

HER: I love our children! They remind me of you!
TRUTH: The testicular manslaughter that is our children are all thanks to your poor genetics. I want nothing to do with you.

HER: I care about you
TRUTH: But if you go broke, I will leave you and fuck one of your friends out of spite.

HER: I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore
TRUTH: I fucked ten people and most of them can provide me with more orgasms, err I mean ‘companionship’. You are wholly worthless and you’re broke. Kick rocks.

HER: I will ruin your life
TRUTH: You are better than me. There is no logical reasoning why I want to attack you, but my emotional instability borderlines insanity so I want to justify my lunacy with inaccurate assumptions about your personality. Ultimately, I will fail in my quest for haphazard dominance and admit that I’m a psycho-whore. I will call you every weekend when I’m high and drunk just to remind you how much of a dependent whore I am. Then I’ll stop calling because I met someone new. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I’ll call you again and tell you how much I hate my current ex as a sub-par way of getting your attention so I can fuck you again to regain what little control I think I have over you.