Let’s face it. New years resolutions are a crock of shit. I’d rather mainline Draino then listen to stupid guys and girls share their cockamamie resolutions. All of them are a variation of bullshit. “I resolve to lose weight”, “I’m going to work harder”, “I’m going to star in my first snuff porno”. It’s all delusional bullshit. You are going to keep the same routines you had in 2008. When Martin Luther King assassination day comes around no one remembers what the fuck they wanted to resolve anyways. However, since I’m a supernova of sexiness, I thought I’d share some resolutions that I’ll actually keep. Resolve your own resolutions in 2009. I sure as hell will.
1. I’m going to fart less.
If my ass was a weapon then my farts would be WMD’s. My wholesome diet of salami, cheap beer, pepper jack cheese, Cocoa Puffs, and Tina’s burritos can literally condemn a room with one fart. I farted ten minutes ago and I can still smell it. My anal odor is like mustard gas topped with the smell of a Tijuana porter-potty. All the windows are open and I turned on the bathroom fan, but my room still smells like a shit factory. Fact: my colon odor smells like a fresh autopsy. I should have one of those bio hazard signs tattooed on my butt cheeks. So in order to protect the ozone layer and my nostrils, I’m going to resolve to fart less in 2009.
2. I’m going to continue my Myspace addiction.
Social networking is about as addictive as black tar heroin. Nothing gets my boxers sweaty with anticipation like seeing a new picture comment. I like having my self-esteem validated with comments like, “U R SO HOT”, “UR EYES R SO DREAMY!”, and my personal favorite, “CAN I FELLATE YOU IMMEDIATELY!?”. And I know everybody enjoys going to my Myspace profile and having instant seizures with all the glitter graphics and flashy crap while T-Pain is auto-tuning’ through the speakers. Next year I resolve to continue my Myspace addiction and fill out more pointless surveys so all of you can remember that I like chocolate better than vanilla and I sleep naked with my stuffed animals on Friday nights.
3. I’m going to masturbate more.
The picture above is going to be me by Valentines Day. Masturbating is the greatest compliment I can give myself. I stroke my ego by flexing in the mirror and admiring my biceps, but in 2009 I’m going to be stroking something else. Since hot girls who like sex are about as rare as black unicorns, I might as well save myself the hassle of finding one that isn’t psycho and get to know my right hand better. Last time I checked, my right hand doesn’t have a disease, requires any form of attention, or lies to me. It obeys my every command. So using ninth grade economics and a cost/benefit analysis between roast beef vagina and my right hand, my right hand wins 9,560 to 0. Sorry ladies.
4. I’m going to be a compulsive liar.
I don’t need a sexy image for that. Lying is an image that I’m going to uphold. It appears that lying is the pre-requisite with most women nowadays. If you can’t beat them (no domestic violence), I might as well join them:
LIAR: I bought a house!
NICK: I bought six houses!
LIAR: I’m wealthy!
NICK: I won the lottery eight times!
LIAR: I love you!
NICK: I love you, too.
NICK: I care about you on a meaningful deep level. It’s not about sex, baby. I truly love you for what’s on the inside. You are a special girl. Very smart, sexy, compassionate, everything I ever wanted.
LIAR: OMG NICK, U R SO NICE!!
NICK: HAHA BITCH, YOU SUCK! I WAS FUCKING LYING! DIDN’T YOU READ MY WEB SITE? IF YOU HAD THE ABILITY TO READ YOU WOULD KNOW THAT I AM A COMPULSIVE LIAR! HA HA! I RULE!
5. I’m going to sit at home and do nothing, nothing at all.
Look at the guy above. Not only is he doing nothing, he looks constipated, too. Poor guy, he is probably trying to accomplish New Years Resolution numero uno. In 2008 I traveled across the country. I ended up getting arrested, breaking up with the same girl twice, and being homeless like three times. That would have never happened if I didn’t do anything. If I stayed at home, farted less, hung out on Myspace longer, and masturbated more I wouldn’t have done anything. And you know what? THAT IS FUCKING OK WITH ME! 2009: I resolve to do NOTHING all year long!
