‘A guide for the average pea-brained sex driven male’

By Kaitlyn Douglas and Nick, from LifeAsNick.com

This is the second entry in a multi-part series called Dating For Douchebags. Read the first entry here.

Now that you have acquainted yourself with online dating the next logical step is dating in the flesh. Aside from a bar or alcohol-fueled party, the best way to meet a random female is in public. Approaching a random woman and soliciting her for sex is illegal, but if you’re suave and debonair you can be subtle about it. But you’re not suave or debonair. You’re a douchebag. Being a douchebag makes it difficult to pick up women, especially in public. But fear not, my douchey simpleton. We will help you get the pink stink. This time we’ll focus on scoring hot babes at the mall. Do you know why? Because bitches like to shop, that’s why.

You don’t want to show up to the mall looking like a fresh bag of ass. No matter how cool you think you are, or how well polished your game is, looking like a homeless person will get you a first class ticket to Masturbationville, population: You. Being that you are a despicable douchebag that couldn’t get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a sack of bananas, here’s some pertinent advice:

DRESS THE PART

This is a good example of a nicely dressed douchebag. Minus the drink and you're good. And minus the stupid grin. You're not Zac Efron, douchebag.

If you are an emo douche, dress like Hot Topic is sponsoring your tears.

If you like to think you are the reincarnated soul of Tupac Shakur, hit up the hip-hop clothing store for some over sized rags. Or if your budget isn’t recession proof: Ross. The only place where you can dress for less. (D4D needs sponsorship, so Ross CEO’s go ahead and email us and we’ll work out a six figure deal, kthx).

If you are a super-douchebag, you probably don’t have any sense of style, let alone the ability to walk and talk without drooling on yourself. That is OK. That is why God made Abercrombie & Fitch. They’ll dress you and tell you what is cool. They will even give you a douchebag bib, but it will cost you like $79.50. Actually, fuck Abercrombie & Fitch.

Anyways, you aren’t going to get any tail spitting your sick rap verses to the girl with the eyebrow piercing at Wet Seal, so remember this quote: “Get in where you fit in“. You wouldn’t go into an abortion clinic selling black market babies, so don’t try to walk into the mall with your hair net, Rollin’ Deep t-shirts, and Nike Cortez shoes expecting to hook up with the 15 year old girl working the register in the food court at Hot Dog On A Stick. That is what Myspace is for.

We already wrote about Myspace dating.

Speaking of the food court, that is probably the easiest place to meet a girl. If approaching a woman is mission impossible for you, then order some food. There is a 50/50 chance the girl taking your order is female (math is definitely our strong suit). Remember douchebag, the odds are in your favor. Girls in the food court are required to speak to you. It’s called customer service. Exploit customer service ruthlessly. You’re a douchebag, so say whatever comes to mind. If you want to talk about your Transformers collection or maybe brag about your Guinness Book of World Records achievement for collecting the most body hair and knitting it into a scarf, go for it. This makes breaking the ice an easy task. The girl is obligated to pay attention to your douchebabble, or else you’ll whine to her manager and get some free food vouchers.

On top of that, malls are all about cheap labor. The barely legal Mexican girl making your orange chicken at Panda Express won’t care that you’re a douchebag. She’s happy that someone NOT from I.N.S. is talking to her. If you have ethnic fantasies of Mexicans working at an Asian food place, than getting laid at the mall is right up your alley.

If you’re the type of picky douchebag that has “a type”, then certain stores in the mall won’t appeal to you. If you’re scoping the mall for those girls with half blonde/half pink hair who wear skirts in the desert, No Fear is your Elysium. If you’re a classy douchebag that likes athletic, slender, and petite girls, stay away from Torrid or Lane Bryant. Those are for *ahem* girls that aren’t allowed at your local all-you-can-eat buffets.

Are you a douchebag that smokes cigarettes? If so, while most of the douchebags are inside the mall picking up jailbait tail, you can idle outside of the food court puffing on a grit and hit on girls who came to the mall with their moms. Mothers like a douchebag with initiative, especially ones that smoke Marlboro Reds.

D4D has the secret to picking up sluts at the mall.

Now listen up, douchebag. Here is the secret to picking up any girl in the mall. Every thing written above is for the rookie douche. If you fancy yourself an upper-class douchebag then pay the fuck attention right now.

The best part about picking up chicks in the mall is that you are not the only douchebag there. The cell phone guys take the crown for that. The cell phone guys are everybody’s friend. Want to know where the party is? Ask the cell phone douche. Want to know where to score pure, uncut Peruvian cocaine? Chances are, the phone guy has the hook up for that, too.

Want to score tail in the mall? Become a cell phone kiosk sales guy. Show off the new camera phone to hot girls and take their picture. Upload them and sell ‘em on the internet. Not only are you a douchebag that is meeting (and scoring) with hot chicks, you’re making money off them too! That’s what we call a win-win situation here at D4D.

When you become a super douche-millionaire feel free to send Kaitlyn and I a couple hundred cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon. We only drink the classy shit.

Thank us later, douchebag.