Alcohol is bad.
After four days of intense liver abuse I decided that a fifth day may cause massive hemorrhaging and cirrhosis, so I spent all yesterday languishing around the house randomly moaning and praying for a quick death. Death did not find me, but Mr. Reaper sure does have a sense of humor.
After continuous hours in and out of the bathroom, I decided to retire my walking corpse to the sofa for some TV time. It was about 2am so I was hoping for some Girls Gone Wild infomercial re-runs. Nothing like falling asleep watching sororitutes show their tits for t-shirts. Joe Francis = my hero.
Instead, I found an increasingly interesting infomercial on one of my two TV channels. It was about nutrition and proper health. As much as I abuse my body for the sake of seeing how much it can tolerate, I am mildly fascinated with nutrition, so this infomercial was right up my alley.
The first ten minutes of the infomercial had two guys talking back and forth to each other. They looked really excited about whatever it was they were hocking, so I couldn’t figure out why in the life of me they weren’t telling me the name of their product. Both guys were presumably well paid actors because they both enjoyed calling themselves “doctors”. Hmm, yeah right.
Suddenly the program started to get a little weird. Even by my standards. They starting babbling on about regularity, bowel movements, excessive fecal matter build-up, and shitting a lot. I shit you not. This was the product they were selling:
OF ALL THE FUCKING THINGS I NEED TO SEE AND HEAR ABOUT ON A WOOZY STOMACH, I HAVE TO STUMBLE UPON AN INFOMERCIAL ABOUT COLON ENEMAS!
Even worse, the co-host doctor/actor had a handlebar mustache that was almost there. He looked like one of those creepy guys on Jerry Springer that like to sniff feet or enjoys butthole pleasures, or something equally creepy.
After viewing multiple pictures of distressed colons, enemas, and everything about “Colon Cleanse”, I had little poop demons coursing through my already weakened colon.
This is a poop demon.
You would expect such a low quality infomercial to be on the Russian cooking channel at 3:30AM, but no. ABC, the pillar of news broadcasting nationwide, was airing Colon Cleanse at bar closing time. WTF?
If I would had my credit card handy I probably would have ordered ten bottles.
