Women, females, bitches, dimes, whores, hookers, sluts, cuntrags, girls, womenfolk, girlie girls, and 18 year old prostitutes: here’s my coveted girlfriend application. Fill it out in it’s entirety and send it back to me immediately to see if you qualify. All potential applicants will be put through a rigorous screening process.

Nick Sterling’s Girlfriend Application

THE BASICS
1. Are you a girl? ___________.
***A girl constitutes a human being with a pair of tits and a working vagina***
2. What is your name? ___________.
3. If you have a stripper name, what is it? ___________.
4. Are you legal enough to have sex? ___________.
***”Legal enough” really means over 16***
5. Just kidding. Are you atleast 18 or have an I.D that says you are? ___________.

GOTTA ASK, YA KNOW? SAN DIEGO IS DANGEROUS
1. Do you have any known gang affiliations? ___________.
***If you answer yes, please kill yourself immediately.***

SEX STUFF
1. Are you fully prepared to have sexual intercourse with me under any condition(s) I set forth, including but not limited too: six or more times a day, in public places at your disclosure, on a school bus, in the car, on the car, near the car, or in the vicinity of a car? Oh yeah, and on a bed? ___________.
***If you answer no, please proceed to drink bleach because you suck at life***
2. Do you know what ‘Kegels’ are, and do you do them regularly? ___________.
3. Can you meet the ‘10pm required topless’ rule? ___________.
4. Are you willing and capable of giving oral sex? ___________.
5. Do you swallow? ___________.
6. Can you juggle my balls in your mouth while deep throating my penis? ___________.
***If you answered ‘yes’ to question #6, proceed to question #7. Otherwise, proceed to the next paragraph.***
7. Will you marry me? ___________.

ORAL SEX PART 2
1. Have you ever given road head? ___________.
2. If not/so, would you be willing to give me road head? ___________.
3. What if I was in the passenger seat and you were driving, would you still attempt to give me road head because you are a determined woman? ___________.
***If you answered ‘yes’ to question #3, proceed to question #4. Otherwise, proceed to the next paragraph.***
4. Will you marry me? ___________.

PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES
1. Do you have perky tits? ___________.
2. Does your vagina look like a roast beef sandwich from Arby’s? ___________.
3. Are you shaved? ___________.
4. I don’t want no hairy ass pussy. That is disgusting.
5. Do you have any piercings? ___________.
6. If so, where are they? ___________.
7. Do you have any tattoos? If so, where and why? ___________.
8. Do you actually look and smell like a girl? ___________.
***I like girlie girls that have painted nails, tight vaginas, perky tits, belly rings, girls that wear make-up but don’t need it, and shit like that***
9. Do you pee in the shower? ___________.
10. Do you find other girls attractive? ___________.
11. Have you ever “licked box” before? ___________.
12. If so, please describe in elaborate detail:

MENTAL ATTRIBUTES
1. Are you a dumbass? ___________.
***Not all applicants will be disqualified if answering ‘yes’, however if all or any sexual requirements are not met, you will be stoned to death***
2. Do you think you’re not a dumbass but actually are? ___________.
3. Can you count past 5? ___________.
4. Are you good at anything that doesn’t involve putting dicks in your mouth? ___________.
5. If “yes”, what are you good at? ___________.
6. Do you have any special talents that don’t involve putting dicks in your mouth? If yes, what are they? ___________.
7. Did you graduate junior high? ___________.
8. High school? ___________.
9. College? (don’t lie) ___________.
10. Do you possess any form of common sense? ___________.
11. If yes, why are you filling out this application? ___________.

RANDOM SHIT
1. Can you operate a motor vehicle successfully? ___________.
2. Can you drive without killing all/most occupants? ___________.
***Applicants without vehicles are OK. Unlike most women, I’m not a materialist***
3. Do you drink alcohol? ___________.
4. Do you do any drugs? ___________.
5. Will you give me the drugs? ___________.
6. Do you sell drugs? ___________.
7. Have you ever killed anybody? ___________.
8. Will you buy me stuff? ___________.
9. Do you like rap music? ___________.
10. Will you go to punk rock shows with me? ___________.
11. Do you fart in public? ___________.
12. Are you allergic to peanuts? ___________.
13. Do you like cats? ___________.
14. Do you dislike other women because they are worthless sluts? ___________.
15. Do you have a job? If so, where? ___________.
16. Will you send me naughty pictures when I’m gone? ___________.
17. Are you a Myspace whore? ___________.
18. Roughly, in inches, how many inches/feet/yards/miles of dick have you touched/seen/sniffed/swallowed/sat on? ___________.
19. Is math difficult for you? ___________.
20. Could you enjoy, or atleast tolerate my sarcasm on a daily basis? ___________.
21. Do you believe in ghosts? ___________.
22. Are you actually alive? ___________.
***Dead applicants will be considered based on decomposition***
23. Would you take me to the zoo? ___________.
24. If yes, would you throw rocks at the tigers with me because ‘it’s fun to make caged animals pissed’? ___________.
25. If I robbed a bank, would you tell the police? ___________.
26. Do you gamble? ___________.
27. Can you cook? ___________.
28. Do you do laundry? ___________.
***If you are unable to answer ‘yes’ to either questions #27 or #28, please ask your sister/best friend/lesbian lover to apply instead because you suck as a woman***

Thank you for applying. Not all applicants will be selected. However, if you are the lucky lady selected to become my GIRLFRIEND, then I can promise you a lifetime of happiness, laughter, fun, and squirting orgasms! All the things a girl could ever want!