Even the toughest, most badass of badasses get scared sometimes. I am no exception to this. However, my fears are limited to five things. Thus, I present to you five things that scare the piss out of me (with picture evidence, of course):

5. Conservative Fundamentalist Christians with voter cards.

The Southern states of America are chocked full of rednecks and confederate flag waving idiots. That is either a broad generalization or a FACT. I lean towards the latter. These mouth breathers are the reason George W. Bush was re-elected in 2004. We could have given the presidency to a pineapple and it would have done a better job. I fear that our future Presidential hopeful Barack Obama won’t be elected President because they still don’t like ‘dem niggras’, while waving their confederate flags and fucking their cousins simultaneously. And they do it in the name of “God”. If I have to suffer another four years of economic strife and stupidity in the White House because of these inbred cockthumpers, then I swear on the name of God I will concoct a virus that consists of my farts and ebola and unleash it upon every conservative Fundamentalist Christian in the South. Now that would be deadly.

4. Kidney Stones

Kidney stones to a guy is what giving birth to a baby rhinoceros is to a woman. Luckily, I’m young enough to never have had one. But oh my, the horror stories of men that have told me the anguish and pain they experienced attempting to pass these crystalline chunks of agonizing brutality. Imagining the razor sharp edges cutting my urethra as it blocks five days of piss… no way. Bring me a gun instead. I’ll shoot it out.

3. Giant Man-O-War Jelly Fish

I can describe these creatures in one sentence: souless, Godless, killing machines. Some tentacles can be as long as 30ft! That means I can be swimming, minding my own business, and one of these giant instruments of death can sting my ass from 30 feet away! Fuck that! Even though most cases aren’t fatal, victims experience excruciating and agonizing pain. Shit, just kill me. I’d much rather have my limbs sawed in half by a pissed off Mako shark then be a Man-O-War’s lunch. Seriously. At least you can see a shark coming and do something about it. This invisible ninja could be lurking while you’re peeing in the ocean. Next thing you know a tentacle is wrapped around your dick and you’re screaming bloody murder. No thanks.

2. Snakes

LOOK AT THIS SON OF A BITCH! This motherfucker MEANS BUSINESS. And it’s a BABY! One bite from this snake and it’s ‘Light’s Out Merriman’ for everyone. King Cobras (like the one above) can even spit highly toxic venom! Not only do they slither, spit, and kill, but they don’t even care! If snakes had a resume, then “Killing Humans” would be their first and only job. Even the innocent ones stink of murder. Every time they stick out their tongue they are taunting you, like “nah nah nah!”. They aren’t “pets”, either. Last time I checked, keeping a pet that wants to eat you isn’t much of a “pet”. The fact that some snakes can digest my entire skinny body is unsettling. They’re evil, vile creatures sent from the depths of Hell to terrorize mankind. If you don’t believe me, go find one, tell it you love it and give it a kiss. See what happens.

1. 4am Earthquakes

4am earthquakes are the worst. Unless you are high on meth, you are probably sound asleep in your comfy bed dreaming of Jessica Alba giving you a topless sloppy blowjob at four in the morning. Next thing you know, shit is shaking, crap is falling, kids are screaming, pets are pissing themselves, walls are cracking, and you are figuring out what the fuck is going on when.. *BOOM*. You are crushed by the ceiling and blood squirts from your ass and mouth due to multiple compound fractures because the 8.5 earthquake on the Richter Scale RUINED YOUR LIFE. If it happened at noon on your lunch break, well then atleast you have a chance to think, “Whoa, earthquake, maybe I should hide or something”. At 4am, you are barely conscious enough to die, let alone jump out of bed and duck into a doorway or run outside. Earthquakes just don’t shake either: they can OPEN THE FUCKING GROUND WIDE OPEN. You could be smoking a cigarette next to some beautiful dandelions when all of a sudden shit goes haywire and the ground opens up and swallows you into the Earth. Fuck that nonsense!

RUNNER UP:
6. Dangerous Minorities With Guns – Self-explanatory.