A lot of people think I might embellish my stories. Fine, ok. Whatever. Think what you want about me, or how I live my life. But I can’t negate facts. 20 minutes ago I left my humble abode to get beer, and this is what I observed:

-At both ends of my 1/4th mile street are liquor stores.
-One liquor store is a “Qwik Mart”.
-Between both streets is another liquor store called “American Liquor”.
-It is owned by an Iraqi investor named Ron.
-”Ron” is not his real name.

There is a mechanical sector of my block. It is called “Lucky Transmission”. Next to it is a “Grease Monkey”, next to THAT is a wholesale vitamin shop, and NEXT to THAT is a Karate dojo, and at the far end of all this is a place called “Wicked Wheels”; and they work primarily on jet ski’s. Seriously… I’m not making this shit up.

I have a problem with pests. I live next door to a place formerly called “Reptile Haven”. While RH might have been a reputable business, they surely weren’t known for containing their animals. In fact, one of their prized possessions decided to sunbathe on my patio a few years ago. Ok, fine, I love animals like the next guy but being that it was a 15 foot snake with a bad attitude really wasn’t cool.

Next to my apartments is a car wash. I rarely see cars being washed. Usually, I hear loud music and see sketchy people attempting to liberate change from vehicles that are probably stolen. Then I encounter the very same individuals in American Liquor buying Steel Reserve 24oz cans.

On my street is a library. I find this ironic considering the majority of my neighbors only speak one language: Olde English. Que? Just kidding, I actually live in a primarily Mexican area and they speak Spanish and drink Bud Light, nothing else.

There is a ’shopping mall’ on my block. It is called Valley Max. Valley Max caters to the highly diverse Mexican population. That is where I buy my “Cholula” hot sauce, my “Ariel” detergent, and my “Suavitel” fabric softner. They even double grocery store competitor coupons, and on Sundays they invite the local Mariachi BAND out for a gig. That really enhances my shopping experience.

Across the Valley Max is a veterans thrift store.

Across the veteran’s thrift store is ANOTHER THRIFT STORE.

And behind the thrift store?

A rehabilitation clinic for non high school graduates.

Oh no… it gets better.

Across the street from the ‘Wicked Wheels” and behind a place I refer to as taggers paradise is an old folks home a.k.a. ‘mobile home community’. It should be infected with Anthrax because these mouth breathers are absolutely useless, but I digress. The fire station across the street from Valley Max (yes, this is all true) gets about 50% of it’s business FROM OLD ZOMBIES JAY-WALKING AIMLESSLY ACROSS THE BUSIEST INTERSECTION IN MY CITY!

I seriously hear sirens from the fire department for about 30 seconds before I realize some DUI ran into an elderly zombie. Then I see a crowd of Mexicans hanging around outside… from my window… oh yes, I forgot to mention, THERE IS AN IMMIGRATION BUILDING BETWEEN THE LIQUOR STORE AND CAR WASH, ironically situated in the exact location of Reptile Haven. The Mexicans rarely hang around the liquor store since that place opened up, but I can still see them congregate on the street corner when some jay-walking geriatric back flipped off a stolen Honda.

La piensas eres muerto?

Si, senor.

I shit you not. There is where I live.