I’d call my ex-girlfriend a wack job, but I wouldn’t want to insult the truly crazy people out there. Instead, I’ll call her a “major disappointment”.

Long story semi-short, my (now ex girlfriend) and I split up last month. Since then, we’ve been sending Myspace messages back and forth like some sort of socially inept high-school retards. I felt as if her latest retort and my reply to it could provide some public amusement. And besides, she accused me of being childish. I might as well act like it, right?

Her loonspeak is in bold italics, my response follows directly after. This is the entire and full e-mail. It starts with me accusing her of being a coward and living in a bubble:

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” no, i dont live in a “fucking bubble”, and i’m not a coward. “

That’s right, you’re NOT a coward. My bad, sorry. Wrong word. I guess you were too busy crying to pick up the phone then? Isn’t that what you said? And I guess you were too busy to give in to my ONE REQUEST to meet in person to discuss our futures and the nature of our relationship like I asked. OR you were too busy writing poems on Myspace and not addressing my direct questions pertaining to your inability to say what’s on your mind. ONLY to respond with such simpleton rhetoric as, “you wouldn’t understand anyway”. Then show up with The Hamburglar to drop off my computer monitor and pick up your stuff a month later and be surprised that I was a sarcastic prick. Was the Hamburglar your moral support? Maybe your bodyguard? Careful, she might get hungry… she has a rather big stomach…

So why don’t you go to thesauraus.com and pick out a synonym for ‘coward’ since that word obviously doesn’t fit you?

” i did what i thought needed to be done “

Thanks for consulting me.

” i am not explaining myself to you anymore. ”

You call this explaining? Shit, I’d hate to see what you call clarity then. The only things you’ve told me is that you were in the hospital (surprise, surprise, Cari is sick again with yet another unexplainable cause of psychosomatic delusions), that you were “busy”, and that one of the “slight reasons” for breaking up with me was the birth control factor. If that one was such a slight issue, then I’d hate to attempt to grasp anything more monumental than the indirect slightness of such an unwavering topic that you couldn’t share with your…. *drum roll* BOYFRIEND whom you claimed, “want to spend every waking moment with”. Your lack of communication is very evident and your lack of accountability is almost epic. Keyword: almost, but I’ve come to expect this out of you.

” you keep dwelling on what was done instead of moving on like you should. “

That’s right, it’s not like you messaged me or anything. It’s not like my Myspace comment on Jessi’s page really got under your skin enough for you to send me a PM attempting to air me out or anything… ya know? It’s not like I didn’t respond to your “explanation” you sent a couple weeks ago or anything…

Remember numbnuts, you started this. Don’t get your pubes in a twist because I’m finishing it and responding directly to your words.

” i tried to keep in friendly, but you didnt allow that to happen. “

Oh yeah, “you tried”. Golf clap for Cari. Bravo. Wait… keep “in friendly?” WTF, are you speaking in tongues or something? Did you mean, ‘keep it friendly‘?

Wow. Good effort! Just like you tried to pick up the phone? Or tried to communicate your feelings via any realistic means of communication, or TRIED to balance out your oh-so-hectic busy lifestyle? The only thing you tried to do was make your break up from this self-proclaimed meanie of a boyfriend much, much easier by using Myspace with your pathetic dodging tactics. Hopefully, it was easy enough on your end. It’s a shame that I won’t let it go as easy as you wanted, huh? It’s a dastardly shame that I respond to your direct accusations of my character!!! HOW DARE ME!!! I’M A BIG MEANIE!!!!

MYSPACE… come on! How cliche is that? You could have like sent me a disjointed, drunken, rambling phone call or something. But Myspace? I’m sorry Cari, but your tactics have reached a new low.

” and yes, i did love you, but like i stated before… you are not the guy i met back in December. “

Because the guy you saw back in December was being fucked, visited by, and truly loved by his girlfriend. Trying to compare “that guy” to who I am as of May 20th, 2007 is like trying to compare dog shit to a Rolls Royce. So, between March and April, where did I deviate from being “the guy I met back in December”?

Let’s break this down further:

In March, I still wanted to see you as much as possible. You said that seeing you two days a week was unattainable. Wow, that’s uhhh… kinda fucked up, but whatever. It’s not like I was asking for 3 DAYS or anything, that might have pushed you off the edge of rationality. Considering you spent an entire month with me EVERYDAY beforehand. Let me remind you again: every fucking day with me.

The sad part is you saw me more in January and February without your car then you did when you had it in March/April.

In March, I simply wanted the best for you. I called you with business ideas, attempted to empower you, shared my thoughts about us, you, your friends, and everything in your life to educate you on what’s *really* going on, etc. I was honest and always there for you.

In March/April, I invited you to numerous soirees and get-togethers and constantly lauded your company. All I wanted was December back.

I mean, if we try to compare my effort with the lack of YOURS, then that might actually require some explaining instead of some dismissive statements and self-denial that I’ve become so accustomed to dealing with.

” i still love and care for that guy, and that is not who you are anymore. “

Yeah, breaking up with a guy on Myspace can change his emotions a little…

” i did my best to help you through your tough times, which you told me i succeded at. but i am done with you treating me as a piece of shit. “

If holding you accountable for what you SAID, what you DID, and what YOU ARE DOING is “treating you like a piece of shit”, then imagine how downright evil I’d be if I insulted you? Or sarcastically posted your inner most thoughts on my web site? Sheesh, I’d make John Wayne Gacy look like an alter boy then! Or else I’d just be childish… right?

” it isnt fair, i just wish you could see not only what your doing to yourself, but to those around you. “

Oh, champion of my fair-minded friends, please enlighten me in ways for which my eyes cannot! PLEASE SHOW ME THE PATH TO RIGHTEOUSNESS FOR MY ACTIONS DO NOT. AND PLEASE, OH PLEASE, EXPLAIN TO ME WHERE MY CONVICTIONS HAVE LED ME ASTRAY!

” no one wants to hear about our relationship or our breakup. “

Oh, really? And you base that contention on what? You don’t want other people to hear about our monumental break-up because it will expose you for the fraud you are. You couldn’t even look me in the eyes, let alone pick up a phone or agree to meet me anywhere. But now you’re some tough-typing Myspace vaginal musketeer resembling strength and honor? Give me a fucking break. I’d hold up a mirror in front of you if I could, but you wouldn’t look yourself in the eyes anyways. So what’s the point?

” that should have been kept between you and i. “

Yeah, because I told so many people. My stupid story, “Nick vs Her” was really descriptive. All our mutual friends (let me count: 2) REALLY KNOW THE DEPTHS FOR WHICH YOU HAVE MAINTAINED CIA-LEVEL SECRECY TO HOLD BACK THE REALITY OF OUR BREAKUP BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY GIVE A FLYING RATFUCK. They don’t know shit. I haven’t said shit. The only one who knows anything more than what isn’t taken at face value is my best friend, Juan. Because best friends communicate, right Cari? RIGHT CARI???

Holy hell, someone needs to call Crazyville and tell them there’s no more vacancies because my ex and her make-believe friends have arrived in town.

” but it wasnt. because of you. so go ahead and throw yourself a “pitty party” like you claim i do for myself. “

I’d throw you a party but you would probably get sick and not make it.

DAY ONE:

NICK: Hey Cari, let’s have a pity party!
CARI: *ZzZzZzZz*

DAY TWO:

NICK: Hey, glad you’re finally awake, let’s throw a “pitty” party!
CARI: “You don’t understand nick, I’ve been SICK”.

Sound familiar?

” you can make me out to be a bitch all you want, but that is just upsetting everyone around us. “

Everyone? EVERYONE? Where the fuck are you, a subway? A mall? Who are these people you keep referring too? WE HAVE TWO MUTUAL FRIENDS!!!!! Are they the “everyone” in your life? If so, you don’t need to make new friends, you need Dr. Phil.

” no one wants to hear it. “

That is correct. But I’m sure they’d get a chuckle reading about it.

Oh, I’m sorry for that. Actually, I’m not. Let me re-introduce myself. My name is Nick and I’m a writer. I’m a sarcastic asshole that pokes at other people’s flaws. Isn’t that how you met me?

” just like you didnt want to hear about Christy and Jesse. So just stop. “

Is there a red light?

You mean how you invited me to their house, allowed me to be witness to the spectacle of their relationship ON THE FIRST DAY YOU HAD YOUR CAR BACK? You know I don’t like drama. I don’t like liars. And I didn’t like what I saw because whatever random guy of the hour Christy invited over after Jesse left showed up, and she acted all innocent. NO FUCKING WONDER I DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT, because it was all LIES! No wonder you two are best friends. Similar traits, no? If not, then why do you associate with her aside from her loyalty? She’d trade you for a value meal if given the chance, just watch.

” and i wasnt just pissed about the comment on Jessis page, i am upset with your overall behavior. “

Oh really? Then why didn’t you address my poor behavior before, Oh Judger of My Poor Actions And Even Poorer Behavior??

My comment on Jessi’s Myspace page brought out the childishness of my behavior, right? I’m sorry that making a snide remark about a truthful situation in public bothered you. So sorry. I’ll gladly put on some Justin Timberlake and you can sing along with “Cry Me A River” while I emotionally coddle you and say, “Oh Cari, it’s ok you’re a liar… I understand and I forgive you… let’s make some cookies together and forget all about everything you said or promised me because it will be OK because you did what was best for you us without even thinking about what was best for the guy you said you loved”.

And does it even register in your noggin’ when I say… “it’s FRIGGIN’ Myspace!?!?!”. How cowardice and immature can you be to tell someone [you love] that you don’t want to be with them anymore via Myspace? Then you call me childish for using the same medium to point out your flaws and expose your lack of sincerity in public? Not only are you crazy, you’re a fucking hypocrite, too.

” i expected more from you as a person. “

Hold up, you broke up with me ON MYSPACE and you expected more from me?

Shit, I expected you to genuinely keep your word, but I guess that makes us even then? Shall I remind you of the Myspace fiasco once again to jar your feminine brain back into reality?

” i have seen and heard a shitload of things from friends…  “

Once again, who are these friends of yours? Josh (your second best male friend) was hanging out with me on his birthday a few days ago and spoke very eloquently about “our breakup”. Him and I see eye to eye on all of this. Our other -mutual friend-, Jessi, actually approved that comment on Myspace voluntarily, and even my follow-up one– sooooo, that kinda clears up a shitload of things.

Are the voices in your head duplicating every time you form a minuscule thought? If so, then by golly, these friends might start an army against Nick! All 300 of them!

Oh, and if these are *your personal* friends, well then I already exposed them as batshit crazy in front of you anyways, for which you agreed and acknowledged. It’s not like you are any more different than them. You just haven nicer tits and a better costume.

” stop throwing salt on a cut that is trying to heal. “

Sorry, I’d throw Peppah on it but Salt would be mad. Shooop-a-loop!@

” and i told you i needed time. and you said, “no, give me two days” i will go back and find that email if you would like. “

How about you find the one where I asked you to meet me once so we could discuss our relationship? Oh, that’s right. Meeting me in person isn’t your kind of thing, now is it? Looking someone in the eyes and saying [this is how I feel] might get you a little sick to the stomach, or you might just be too busy to arrange such a thing.

” thats when i really started to drift from you. “

You must be the Drift King, then. DK!!!!

Let me get this straight. You started to drift from me because I ASKED you to see me once, if not TWICE a week, volunteered to catch a ride with Juan or Jessi JUST TO SEE YOU, even if it’s at your work — you told me 2 days a week was TOO MUCH after spending a month and a half with me everyday, YET NOTHING WAS HAPPENING THAT WARRANTED YOUR ATTENTION TO CAUSE US NOT TO SEE EACH OTHER.

Nada. Zip. Zilch.

So…. yeah.

” how can i give you two days when i didnt even have an hour to myself? between the hospital, work, and Courtney i didnt even have time to breathe. “

You’re still alive, dumbass. You must have fit a few breaths of fresh air in there somewhere. And just in case you forgot, there’s a new invention called the cellular phone. It allows you to call people from anywhere, anytime you want. Maybe you should try using it sometime. That way, you can kinda avoid these miscommunications. And if mine was shut off like you so dutifully pointed out, it’s not like I was anywhere else but at work (you’ve been there once or twice), at home (you’ve been there three or four times) or with Juan (who’s girlfriend you recently went to a bar with who is the girlfriend of a guy who can reach me anywhere, any place, and knows where I am all the time).

” so stop throwing shit in my face. “

Sorry, the truth is full of shit… isn’t it? Maaah bad.

I’d toss you a book of common sense, but I haven’t written it yet, and you wouldn’t understand it anyways. Those words sound familiar, don’t they?

” i am sick of it. “

I bet you meant that literally.

” i have tried to be nice, and i am done. i will not feel bad for hanging out with my friends now that my shit is comming together. “

All two of your friends?

Shit is -COMING- together? You mean the same shit you started? YOU MADE YOURSELF SICK BEFORE BECAUSE YOU BROKE UP WITH ME! It’s not like some meth-addicted gangbanger held a gun to your head and said, “yo, bitch, i’ll cap yo ass if you don’t stop talking to Nick Sterling”. YOU DID THIS!

And I can already see your reply flooding my inbox, “I didn’t get sick because I broke up with you… blah blah blah”, just like you couldn’t pick up the numerous phone calls when you were ‘crying your eyes out’ about the decision YOU MADE? Then you suddenly were struck with a terminal case of “dumbass” and miraculously recovered only to redeem yourself by messaging me, right?

” i refuse to let you use that against me. it is bullshit. “

Bullshit… just like the rest of the truth.

” and yes, you were being irrational. thats why i used the word in the firstplace. “

The same word I used against you when you broke up with me on Myspace, then failed to answer my calls, basically ignoring me and then tried to rationalize it? Hmmm….

My Sherlock Holmes prowess thinks there might be a copycat in our midst…

” and i am not the joke. “

You are wrong, my vaginally-handicapped simian. You make me laugh at your denial, so you must be something other then forehead and tits, and whatever it is, it’s laughable. Ha-hah-ha-hahhaha-ha!

” if anyone is a joke it is you. you dont know who you are. “

I’d respond, but I couldn’t stop laughing… YOU CAN’T FUCKING BE SERIOUS?!?!?. I’m waiting for you to jump out from behind my curtains with Ashton Kutcher saying, “You’ve been PUNK’D!!!”.  I mean, come on… who led this relationship? WHO MADE THE FIRST MOVE? WHO TOOK ALL THE ACTION? I don’t think 150 of my friends have been wrong about me, considering the vast majority of them have been in my life since I was 7 and throughout the years where I was NOTHING but who I am. I mean… come on, Cari. That’s downright crazy talk.

It’s not like I put my inner most secrets, perversions, and thoughts out in public for the world to scrutinize them. Oh hey: lifeasnick.com. See the comment button below: use it. It’s not like your Myspace page where it’s blocked and locked away in secrecy like the rest of your actions.

” you get thrives from talking shit and being an asshole. “

Yes, I know. Thank you. My verbal craftsmanship is superb. Stop with the compliments, though. You know how they flatter me.

” thats fine, but one day you will look back and realize that is why you lost me in the end. “

Hmm… I lost you? Weren’t you the one who got lost? Come on Cari, there is only so much useless crap you can monkey-fling at me before I start to wonder why you aren’t wearing a helmet. I’d put this one into elementary school terms but I’m sure anyone who reads this can figure out you’re off the meds and not quite with it anyways.

” i hung on as long as i could. “

Which was about 3 months. Then we stopped having sex, let alone you giving me ANY sexual contact after which I made the astute realization that, “this isn’t safe”. Even though you put yourself in the same situation as you did in the past and did nothing until I spoke up and then you finally said, “Dur dee durr dee durr! Nick is rigggggght!!!“.

Then I put a quarter of effort back into the Cari machine and the carousel horsie started spinning around in all it’s self-denial glory until it ENDED and you stayed in your world of fantasy and make believe. Then you begin to style your Barbie’s hair and mutter to yourself, “I don’t feel so good, and… AND— Nick IS A BIG MEANIE!!!! I HATE HIM!!! I JUST WANT HIM TO STOP!!!”.

In which case you manifest the urge to send me your text abortion of a response? Am I getting this craziness clear, or am I just making shit up like you’ve been doing since the beginning?

” you were Nick Sterling when i met you… and now… Nick “the asshole” Sterling is the nametag you should wear. “

Have I been dressed as Superman the entire time, Cari? Have I not been a complete and utter asshole most of the time you’ve known me? Hello… remember my pick-up line? Ya think I changed because I got da snatch on my dick? No, I’m a man and I will always be who I am, sorry you get to see the wrong end of it this time.

” it makes me sad to think about how i trusted you. “

Careful with the emotions there, Cari. You know how they make you sick…

” so think what you will about me, but i know i loved you the best i could. “

If yawning and typing out sheepish Myspace responses are the best you could do, then I’m completely underwhelmed. I always pegged you as the go-getter, the leader of leaders, the honest of the most honest, and the communicator of all communications! But then I looked in the mirror and realized I tried to see your facade but ended up seeing me instead. I’m such a handsome devil… aren’t I?

“ but i am done, and i am letting go. “

Then stop messaging me  if you are trying to let me go then, you dolt.

” have a nice life Nick. maybe i will see you around someday. “

I doubt that. So what about those pictures you promised a month ago—-Oh wait. Let me guess: you’ve been busy? What about Juan’s pictures he asked for… oh, were you in the hospital then, too? Or just busy? Hahaha. Or… what’s the story today? What is the newest excuse?

LifeAsNick.com. Always on display for the world to see.

I’ll give my penis to science if there was ever a CariYoung.com, let alone a Cari Young that isn’t a complete fucking joke of a human being.