I was fresh out of high school when I needed a quick buck before college started. A few friends of mine recommended this place called, “Procomm Telecommunications”. They told me they worked there for a few weeks, made some decent cash “selling insurance”, then eventually got fired for not meeting the sales quota. I immediately thought I could do better than my friends, so I gave it a shot.

I walked in their ghetto office building and I was hired on the spot. During my faux “interview” I looked like a total punk ass kid. I had my two piercings and over-sized JNCO yellow shirt on, baggy jeans, and blondish spiky hair. If they hired ME, LOOKING LIKE THAT, then I should have seen the obvious foreshadowing and red flags.

Within minutes of signing the paperwork in the ‘main office’, which is basically a lobby overlooking a run-down 7 Eleven, I was given a pitch and told to memorize it.

I was then introduced to a man in this early 30’s. He was my sales coach.

He gave me the paper with the pitch on it. I started to read it then I looked at my ’sales coach’ (he seriously called himself a sales coach) and asked him, “Motorcycle Police Officers Insurance”? I’m selling insurance for motorcycle police officers?? Are you seriou–”.

Before I can even get out another question of disbelief, he cuts me off with a bland demeanor that would make Ben Stein orgasmically enthusiastic,

“All you do is memorize the pitch, call the numbers of these reputable business owners and make as many sells as you can“. He faked a grin and stumbled back into his ‘office’, which was decorated with a poorly assembled Ikea desk, a used computer chair, and his withering ficus probably to drown his sorrows with another shot of generic charcoal flavored Vodka, but before he closed the door he peered around the door and said,

“It’s really THAT easy!”.

No, Mr Sales Coach, it really isn’t just that easy.

Have you ever thought of buying insurance for state-funded police officers who give out bogus traffic tickets all day because you accidentally went one mile over the speed limit in a residential cul-de-sac?

I think not. Neither did the 500 or so “reputable business owners” I harassed. Errr, “called”.

After zero sells and two days of being cussed out numerous times I was let go. More aptly, I was fired down to the street corner with my $70 check and broken dreams of scamming the elderly to get wealthy.

The highlight of my tenure as a motorcycle police officer insurance salesman was putting people on a “Repeat Call List”, which my sales coach actually encouraged me to do to the more, “unprofessional customers”. He explained that cold calling a complete stranger many times in a row increased the possibility of a “yes answer”, thus generating a sale. I believed it increased the possibility of someone brutally strangling me to death with their phone cord because I ruined grandma’s funeral dinner to offer them ‘…my exciting opportunity”.

Months later I found out that it’s illegal for police/firefighters to solicit donations/business claims over the phone. I kinda had a feeling… but hey, I was 18 and naive… and wanted money.

Not even two months after getting canned, my phone rang. It was a telemarketer, no surprise there. But what WAS surprising was his sales pitch. A kid began reciting to me the EXACT SAME PITCH I memorized at Procomm. I stopped him mid way through his spiel and said,

“You work for Procomm, don’t you?”.

“Uhh, yeah”.

I politely informed him that it was in his best interest to quit immediately because what he was doing was illegal, blah blah, and more blah.

His response?

“Well man, I’m going to get fired if I don’t make a sale today. So uhhh… can you buy one of our $20 packages anyways?”.

I’m pretty sure that was a new low for any telemarketer. I promptly hung up the phone and resumed drinking my finely distilled malt liquor beverage.

Surprisingly, Procomm went out of business a few months later and the office area is still vacant and for lease. And that was 6 years ago. I’ve always wondered what happened to my “sales coach”.

I bet he’s probably moved onto “sales coaching” something bigger and better. Like coaching others to sell impotent geriatric pedophiles chemically induced erections, or selling accounting software to former Enron accountants, or selling sunscreen to an albino, you know… something better than motorcycle police officers insurance.

Or he’s in jail getting triple teamed by the homies. Either way, that guy was a swell coach.

I wish him all the best!