Every year I write up a list of ‘celebrity dream babes’ that I would give my left testicle to have sex with (well, AFTER having sex with them, of course). I know there are millions of other hotter girls lurking in the shadows that aren’t famous, but they aren’t rich and they probably don’t want to take care of me, so fuck ‘em. This edition comes with pictures!  There’s a surprising new #1 girl and a brand new addition to the list that none of you have ever heard of, so enjoy my eye candy. Let’s begin with #12:

12.

Megan Fox

This bitch is on every guy’s hottest woman list (and probably every woman’s list, too). In real life she is honestly very humble and respectful. I’ve never read an interview from her that made me think, “wow, this girl is a bitch”, which is probably why she’s not higher on my list. Feisty little minx’s really jump start my libido. It makes sport fucking them so much more of a turn-on.

11.

Kate Bosworth

Kate use to be my number 1 for three years. I have a thing for chop-stick thin girls. If a girl is bigger than me and can probably kick my ass in a bar fight, that’s no bueno. I can’t have that. With Kate, there is something about her that sharpens my penis. To this day, I can’t watch Blue Crush without maintaining a 90 minute erection. And she steals every scene in ‘Superman Returns’ with her unassuming smart girl theatrics. Yeah baby, come to SuperNick!

10.

Christina Aguilera

When Christina had her little “dirrrty” phase a few years ago, I was suffering from a terminal case of ‘Instant Erectification’. Pierced nipples? Slutty, sultry music? SIGN ME UP! On top of that, she is an awesome wife. She has no problem taking her husband to strip clubs, getting drunk, and basically being the coolest (and hottest) road dog ever. That, and she’s insanely talented and doesn’t make horrible music that sounds like two chainsaws fighting in a steel dumpster. Talented chicks with big, fake tits = fuck yeah!

09.

Rachel Bilson

Rumor on the streets is that Rachel is going to be the next Wonder Woman (there’s another rumor that I’m going to impregnate her with my super sperm and she’ll fall in love with me, but that rumor is unsubstantiated). I’m almost tempted to become an evil super-villain so she can saunter into my criminal lair and arrested me in tight booty shorts with her exquisite breasts popping out of her WW tube top. Hell, this bitch is so hot I even stomached a few episodes of The O.C. to see her in a bathing suit. Of course, my erection was rock hard the entire time, so it was totally worth it.

08.

Miranda Kerr

My list wouldn’t be complete without at least ONE Victoria’s Secret model. Miranda Kerr is my favorite. Slender, perky tits, one of the nicest white girl asses in the history of mankind. Just last month she posed topless on the beach for a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot. I didn’t leave the confines of my computer chair for most of the month. My eyes were fixated on the monitor so long that I nearly went blind. So much blood rushed to my penis that, if given the proper amount of force, would have spontaneous combusted. Thank you, Miranda Kerr!

07.

Christian Milian

Yeah, yeah. I like skinny white girls with perky tits. Everybody knows that. But I’m an equal opportunity horn dog. Christina Milian is flawlessly gorgeous from head to toe. Though she just had a kid (ugh), she still looks amazing as a MILF. Even having a crying Mogwai crawl out of your vag can’t take away from her saucy sex appeal. Plus, I know she fucks like a pornstar, too. Just look at her and tell me you can’t see that. I can see it!

06.

Ellen Page

Juno is one of my all time favorite movies. I swear to God, if I ever met a non-pregnant version of Juno (who is at least 18), I would marry her in a second. Ellen Page played that role perfectly. Sarcastic, snarky, and very intelligent, which are qualities in beautiful women that keep the blood pumping to my penis (and in Ellen’s case, my heart). Looks wise, she embodies damn never every trait I prefer in a woman: petite, feminine, naturally gorgeous, etc. She’s got that Canadian wholesome girlfriend look going for her. She would rank higher but she’s a feminist and we all know women are objects of our attraction, not real people.

05.

Mila Kunis

Mila Kunis is Russia’s finest export next to Vodka and that one beast-looking dude in the UFC who is unbeatable. Vodka gets me insanely drunk and the UFC fighter could kill me with one punch, but Mila could keep me warm even in a Siberian winter. She’s hilarious in real life and oozes sex appeal (her newest photoshoots for Complex magazine burned a hole in my boxers). She’s one of those superbabes that seems to get better looking with age. If I had the ability to clone women, I’d start with Mila Kunis. Well, after I was done ravaging her vagina with my Cock-A-Saurus Rex, of course.

04.

Vanessa Hudgens

Moving down to 4th place this year is HSM’s super hottie, Vanessa Hudgens. She’s 21 now so I don’t feel bad about wanting to spear her vagina with my Spartan man-tool. Plus, her naked pictures are all over the internet (more hot women need to follow Vanessa’s footsteps and post their naked pictures on the internet for my ‘recreational activities’). Her jet black hair, black painted nails, dark, smokey eyes mixed with a look that says, “yes, I’m a screamer. Fuck me harder, Mr. Sterling“. Yes, Vanessa. I will. Right now. Get naked. Again. Plus, out of everyone on this list, I think she has the firmest tits. Thank God for hot 21 year old girls and their firm tits. It’s the only reason I put up with their shit.

03.

Lights

Who is Lights? This is Lights. If I was ever lucky enough to date a beautiful female musician, Lights would be the epitome of my fantasies. She’s uber-talented, humble, 22 years old, and has a devoted indie following. There is nothing about this girl I dislike. In fact, I’d totally eat out her asshole. I don’t like assholes, but for her I’d make an exception. Three and a half minutes alone with her and I would die a happy man. Seriously.

02.

Natalie Portman

What other girls on this list have in looks, Natalie has in brains. I’m not being sexist when I say that most women are retarded, because sadly, it’s true. Natalie is not only beautiful, talented, funny (her SNL parody is hysterical), but highly educated, speaks five languages, and graduated from Stanford WHILE filming movies! She has a bohemian persona and is seemingly attracted to intellectuals, which is rare for Hollywood starlets. She is the type of girl that would fuck me like a pornstar and then light up a joint and debate the merits of 18th century philosophers. To put it bluntly (see what I did there?), she is my ultimate dream girlfriend. No one can compare to Natalie Portman. She’s the only girl I could bring home to mom and she’d say, “how in the hell did you get such a perfect girl to date you, Nick?”. Yup, that’s why she’s my dream girlie.

BUT WAIT! There’s one more!

01.

Hayden Panettiere

My infatuation with Hayden Panettiere is purely sexual. I don’t care what charity she stands for, what she says, or anything she does in whatever career she thinks she has. I want to pile drive my dick so far into her vagina that she’ll burp my cum bubbles when I ejaculate. Size wise, she is the perfect balance for me. She’s not all Auschwitz skinny (like Kate Bosworth) but not fat and chunky (like my first two ex-girlfriends), either. A healthy mix of flawless skin (Neutrogena must really work!), manicured/pedicured nails, a gorgeous Colgate smile, a firm handful of tits, and a vagina that must be the size of a coin slot. I would sell my mother on the black market to drunken Haitian rapists for a few precious seconds to do anything remotely sexual to Hayden. Sorry, mom.

Hayden and Nick Sterling. It has a distinctive ring to it, doesn’t? Sadly, my affection for Hayden must wait. She’s dating a world champion heavyweight boxer who’s Ukrainian or Russian. I know better to fuck with those guys and their women. In fact, I know better to FUCK their women, too. Russian bitches are crazy.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Jessica Alba, Kristin Kruek, Alison Lohman (who is hanging up on my mirror right now flirting with me), Rachel McAdams, Emmy Rossum, Zooey Deschanel, KIERA KNIGHTLY, Carrie Underwood, Emma Watson, Charlize Theron, Josie Maran, Jordana Brewster, and Kristen Bell. I’d say Angelina Jolie but Brad Pitt is far too cool of a guy for a douchebag like me to bang his wife. Plus, she’ll probably fuck me into an early grave which I’d enjoy immensely.