Since Twilight mania is beginning to die down for the second time in two years, I feel it’s safe to come out from underneath my rock and comment about the absurdity of this entire spectacle. 140 million dollars in a weekend to watch Team Edward and Team Jacob send homo-erotic messages to MILLIONS of frenzy females almost makes me choke on my own vomit. If I want to watch a bunch of hot studs screen fuck each other I’d watch Top Gun for the umpteenth time.

But I digress, my beef isn’t so much towards the under 20 female crowd. I could make a movie about a vampire panda that shits chainsaws and worships Nazi’s and it would appeal to teenage girls. Getting teenage girls to buy into something is about as easy as herding cats. And dear readers, that is why I have a Myspace account. “Oh, he’s a funny writer? I WANT TO FUCK HIM!“. Score!

I could tell teenage girls I write for Cat Fancy magazine or I write independent think pieces for Highlights magazine and suddenly their Hello Kitty underoos will be on the floor and passionate teenage sex will commence. uNF!

Fast-forward to 2009. Twilight isn’t about preteen and teen girls going apeshit over vampires and werewolves anymore. Remember how women were up in arms about R Kelly peeing on that teenage girl five years ago? The way cougars are acting makes me wish I were at R Kelly’s mansion refilling glasses of apple juice to help him reload and pee on that teenage girl all over again.

I'm on Team Twilight Moms

What the fuck is wrong with womenfolk nowadays?

I’m referring to their pathetic love affair with this Neanderthal-faced teenage boy from the newest Twilight movie. If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard a 20-something woman fawn over this kid, I’d have enough money to buy my own Bowflex®. Or at least a Shake Weight, which I hear was the exercise machine of choice on the set.

Just think: what if you were on a train with me and my friends and overheard us talking about the newest Hannah Montana movie and how Miley’s ass was sitting proper in the mini-skirt she was wearing during her final dance sequence? We’d probably be called sex offenders, pedophiles, and pervs. And I don’t need anymore of those accusations on my record. It’s bad enough clicking ‘deny’ to that hot girl on Myspace who swears she’s really 19 but doesn’t look a day over 15.

Still, women get to talk openly about the things they would do to this kid’s abs and hairless sack? That, my friends, is a double-standard. And me? Well, I’m a 26 year old degenerate alcoholic that lives in a converted room (a garage), romances many beautiful women (masturbates to high speed internet porn frequently), and lives a life of fascination, seduction and intrigue (sits on his ass watching re-runs of Cheaters and grousing about whores and wanton filth). So looking at Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, and all these other little teenage celebrities and drooling over them like they’re a Quizno’s Turkey Melt sandwich is acceptable, right?

Absolutely right!