Hit me with your best shot.

I haven’t wrote anything for the past two months on this site. Not because I’ve ran out of material or I can’t be funny on command. Simply, because I’ve had a fucking bullseye on my words. I almost want to be a spokesperson for Target and ask everybody to aim for my words. But with my luck it will probably turn into some sort of bukkake-fest of douchebaggery, which would be quite a shame. I like to consider myself a professional bukkakist.

Life As Nick has changed so drastically in the past couple of months. I’ve wrote several blogs on Myspace to inform the lesser important people of my life why I’m comfortable. I’m happy for once. For the first time since I was with one of my ex-girlfriends *cough* Sophia *cough* , I’ve been happy on my own terms with no future ex-girlfriend(s) in training. I had a lot of help to get -here-. I’m grateful for every kind word, inspiration, act, or deed given to me. They are gifts I appreciate beyond whatever words I can muster on this web site. However, this also allowed the friendly termites to eat their way out of the woodwork that has been my foundation. I’ve become their punching bag.

I say thank you. They say, “what about me?”.

I ask them why? They blame me.

I suggest why they might be wrong. Apparently, I’m wrong because I’m an alcoholic, a misogynist, and a disappointment of a friend. The last one came from a certain best friend who was mad because I didn’t help him carry a TV. Oops, my bad. The other labels have come from people who were close to me. These were people who know the inner workings of my mindset. They aren’t from your average everyday hater who anonymously spews vitriol and bullshit, these were people who should have known better.

I’ve spent the better half of my creative process reminding them why they are wrong. What a waste of my fucking time.

Yeah, I know, this sums it up best:

Nick is a dumbass, right? Wrong!

Like everybody else, deep down inside I only want to be liked for what I do. I don’t step on anyone’s toes nor do I go out of my way to snap at people, hate anyone blindly, or otherwise cause conflict. My logic has always carried me through situations with the notion that I’m doing the best for me at any given moment. To see people I once held close, like inner circle close, act indifferent and disparaging towards me over my very slight amount of personal success is disheartening. They were OK when I was depressed and trying to find the bottom of the bottle. They were cool with the guy who “was”, but now they dislike the guy who “is”? Did my social status change their view of Who I Am? It was OK for me to write about them on my web site before. But now, God forbid, I’m the bad guy for speaking my mind? F that noise.

I know this isn’t a new revelation to anyone. Everybody goes through ups and downs. But in the last two months I’m feeling like I’m constantly getting knocked down by a Mike Tyson-esque barrage of criticism. I can’t explain why. My ego is telling me to feel jealousy. My mind is made up on moving forward and continuing on this path of positivity I’ve put myself on, but sometimes I see these roadblocks and I can’t help but stop and wonder why other people block my path. What are they really stopping? What do they hope to achieve? Where will their actions lead them? It’s not like I was a pillar of success six months ago. I was living @ my mom’s house, no car, working one day a week, and barely able to afford my Hot Pockets. Now that I can afford my Hot Pockets and drive my Cadillac to work all of a sudden I’m a target? It seems like these other people are avoiding the inevitable and dodging their own fate by trying to dictate mine. Questioning me is their escape.

Sometimes the haters make good points. I think it was Sun Tzu who said pay attention to your enemies, for they will see your flaws before your friends. Good advice, sometimes.

With that said, I’m tired of trying to prove why I’m OK with myself, even to the haters. The punching bag above goes to AskJeeves.com. You can ask Jeeves why I’m such an asshole, or how I failed you, or whatever your pre-conceived notions conjured. Whatever he says can be your answer, because I just don’t have an answer for you anymore.

I’m going to keep writing and living Life As Nick. To quote Shawshank Redemption, “I better get busy living or get better dying”. And right now I’m full of life. I’m exactly where I should be and I’m happy with who I am. I’ve made my mistakes, fucked up a few things here and there, but at least I’m not stepping in front of my destiny on behalf of someone who doubts me. I’m embracing the inevitable. Inevitably, I am embracing the person I am becoming and I’m enjoying every fucking minute of it. That’s why it’s Life As Nick.

Anybody who disagrees, fuck off. Everybody else, keep observing.