It was like God sprayed celebrity Raid on Hollywood last week. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and then my beloved Billy Mays all kicked the bucket. Prior to that, my kung fu hero David Carradine decided to wank his dip stick in a closet and accidentally hung himself. I thought Patrick Swayze would be next, or at the very least, the ShamWow guy. I hate that hooker-beater motherfucker.
Since nothing I ever do is considered in ‘good taste’, I decided to use my web site to tell the masses what REALLY happened to the King of Pop, Billy Mays, and how the ScamWow guy is an epic douchebag that should be arrested simply for peddling something as useless as a Shammy. Oh yeah, Shakespeare wanted in on the action so he is narrating. According to the ghost of Tupac, Shakespeare is a flaming homosexual. Who’d a thunk it? Gay people in Heaven?
Good thing I’m a liberal.
“But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?“
IF IT DOESN’T FUCKING BREAK I GOT THE MOST AMAZING PRODUCT IN THE HISTORY OF AMAZING PRODUCTS CALLED ORANGE GLO!!! HI, BILLY MAYS HERE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A REVOLUTIONARY NEW CLEANING CHEMICAL THAT WILL MAKE YOUR BALLS TINGLE AND CAUSE YOUR HEART TO STOP BEATING!! ORANGE GLO!!!
“O Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou Romeo?”
Please Romeo… you can play with me, Romeo.
Just like Macaulay Culkin did, teeeheeeheeee. I’ll show him my THRILLER!
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HI, BILLY MAYS HERE AND I’D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THE NEWEST OF MY GOD-TECHNOLOGY CALLED THE ‘CELEBRITY KILLER 3000′!!! JUST AIM IT AT THE CELEBRITY YOU WANT TO KILL AND ‘BOOM! DONE!’, THEY ARE ASHES TO DUST!!!! I SOLD ONE TO MICHAEL JACKSON AND LOOK AT HIM NOW!!!! IS HE WHITE OR BLACK??? BUY 3 TODAY AND AIM THEM AT PEREZ HILTON AND GET A FREE AUTOGRAPHED BILLY MAYS BODY BAG!!!
“From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life“
Ohhh, Billy Mays you’re so cute… if only you were 40 years younger.
Would you like to come and play with Michael in Neverland?
Just don’t beat it… teeehheeeeeeee!
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HI, BILLY MAYS AGAIN AND HI MICHAEL JACKSON. I THOUGHT I WOULD YELL AT YOU AGAIN WITH ANOTHER AMAZING PRODUCT OF MINE! MICHAEL, I MUST SHOW YOU THE AMAZING ANTI-CHILD-RAPE-6500 KIT THAT YOU INSTALL IN THE RECTUM OF YOUNG BOYS AND WHEN THEY ARE FONDLED OR RAPED IT SENDS A KARMIC SHOCK TO THE RAPIST AND THEY ARE CARDIAC ARRESTED!!!
MICHAEL?
FUCK.
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It was at this point that our beloved Billy Mays began huffing Oxyclean. His grief about inadvertantly causing Michael Jackson’s death wore heavy on him. He wrote in his will that he would like to be embalmed with OrangeGlo and laid to rest in Tampa, Florida next to a statue of him spearing Vince Shlomi, the ShamWow Guy, with an Oxy-cleaned trident made out of gold.
Billy Mays is dead? That’s a real shameWow!
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HI, BILLY MAYS HERE BACK FROM THE DEAD! LISTEN UP, FOR ONLY THREE PAYMENTS OF $12.95 YOU CAN GET AN EXCLUSIVE PASS INTO MY FUNERAL!! THAT’S RIGHT, MY FUNERAL! IF YOU CALL WITHIN THE NEXT 20 MINUTES, YOU CAN GET ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IN, TOTALLY FREE! CALL RIGHT NOW AND I’LL EVEN THROW IN A 1 YEAR SUPPLY OF ORANGEGLO!!!!
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Michael Jackson is black in Heaven. Weird. Oh hey guys, I wanted to tell you the Publisher’s Clearing House is a total scam. Kinda like that ShamWow guy. Anyways, Johnny Carson and I are going to go back to playing golf with Jesus. The beef jerky up here is incredible, by the way. So are the babes. Mary’s not a virgin anymore, ha ha ha. AND I DON’T EVEN NEED VIAGRA TO GET IT UP!
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Shakespeare is gay and I’m really in Heaven. I spent the last 12 year watching Billy’s infomercials. He’s selling Oxyclean to Jesus right now! THUG LIFE!!!
