‘A guide for the average pea-brained sex driven male’

By Kaitlyn Douglas and Nick, from LifeAsNick.com

This is the third entry in a multi-part series called Dating For Douchebags. Read the first entry here and the second here.

The last couple of entries for D4D have been geared towards picking up women. Picking up women is as easy as having a black Amex card, a dick the size of a peninsula, and a flashy car like a Gran Torino or a Ferrari Modena. But if you’re a douchebag you probably don’t have that. You probably have a Capital One credit card with a picture of your cat on it, a below average limp dick that only responds to Anime porn, and a 1993 Chevy Corsica. Or if you’re like the author of this web site, Chevrolegs. (As you see, D4D proudly supports fine American automobiles–and legs).

Now let’s say you finally got yourself a date. Good job, douchebag, don’t fuck it up! Here’s a handy DO/DON’T guide to insure that you finally get your douche noodle touched by a real, live, human female. You can put the blow up doll away now. You’re finally a man-douche, unless you fuck it up and return to single/lonely douchebag status. But don’t worry, we’ll have a few more chapters to help you achieve the elusive beast known as “the woman” IF you do fuck it up. And you probably will, douchebag.

DON’T: Drink too much.

The allure and temptation of having a few drinks while romancing your soon to be drugged cock princess is strong, even for a douchebag. Refrain from drinking too much. Douchebags are known for their propensity to abuse alcohol annoyingly (alliteration!), so tone that shit down. Be yourself and have a Boone’s Farm or a wine cooler. Leave the Jameson Irish Whiskey and Kentucky-Fried Moonshine to the professional alcoholics (like the authors of Dating For Douchebags).

Drunk guys don’t score.

Drunk girls DO score. So DO give your date tons of alcohol. After the fourth shot of Irish Whiskey she’ll be topless, dry humping your ficus, and singing along to Lil Wayne and purring, “lick…lick me like a lollipop“.

Not even a super douchebag can cock block that.

DON’T: Hate animals.

Animals were made so humans can dominate them. That’s why real men like to hunt. Women like to cuddle, organize their Barbies, and adopt annoying little yappy dogs. Punting those over-grown rats into next week may seem like a good idea, but don’t. Girls are a sensitive species. They cry watching The Notebook. Men cry when they smoke an elephant with a 50 cal in the Sahara from 300 yards out–we’re crying because we’re laughing so hard and high fiving each other over beers. Men rule.

Anyways, but YOU’RE a douchebag! You’ve never fired a gun in your life let alone killed anything other then a free range house ant. So I guess this doesn’t apply to you. But if you want to kick her yappy dog out the window for nipping your ankles or peeing in your Corsica, hold back. You want the vagina juices on your below average douchecock, right? Right.

DON’T: Have a messy room.

Keep a clean room. Don’t leave your ‘Dungeons & Dragons For Dummies’ book laying around. Pick up those baseball cards and action figures. And especially, ESPECIALLY, hide your fucking porn.

Girls snoop more than Indiana Jones. If she finds your medical fetish-Anime collection and pictures of mutilated cats with Photoshopped black cocks she’ll probably call the authorities and get a restraining order. The only girls in jail are the ones that will allow you to be gang raped by inmates, so keep that shit on the DL (that’s down low for the acronym challenged douchebag).

DO:

DO put fresh clothes on. Make sure to put extra-fresh pants on. Make them Downy-fresh. Girls don’t want to smell your week old ball sweat.

DO:

DO take her to a classy restaurant within your budget, like Carls Jr or that classy Mexican cantina around the corner that has farm animals in the back of the building.

DO:

DO talk about something most girls understand, like Twilight, what hair conditioner they use, cheesy romantic comedies, or types of vibrators they hide under their mattress. DON’T ASK HOW BIG THEY ARE. You’re not Ron Jeremy and you can’t compare, douchebag.

DO:

DO tell them how pretty they are. Even if they have buck teeth and a third nipple, girls love compliments almost as much as they love being treated like shit. Most douchebags are hard-up schmucks who couldn’t get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a sack of Chiquita bananas, so we (the authors of this fine series) don’t advise debasing women. Save that for the dudes who don’t have to read an online guide on how to pick up chicks.

Just lie to girls instead. Besides, you’re a douchebag–lying should come natural. Otherwise, you won’t get laid.