When I was 16 my mom encouraged me to get a part time job. At first I thought it was because she wanted me to learn real life values and lessons. Nah, she simply wanted to garnish my wages like some sort of parental government entity. When other 16 year old kids were learning how to drive, I was learning the meaning of extortion. Thanks, mom.

The only place dumb enough to hire me was Chuck E. Cheese’s.

For those of you who don’t have kids or still live under a rock, Chuck E. Cheese’s is a babysitting-pizza-serving-germ-infested indoor playground for children. Parents eat stale pizza while their rug-rats run around playing games and getting tickets to trade for toys assembled in a sweatshop by an all female Asian crew suffering from vertigo and heat exhaustion (American consumerism at it’s finest!). To make matters worse, some schmuck in the CEC corporate hierarchy thought it would be wise to grant Chuck E. Cheese’s their liquor license. 100’s of screaming kids and a bunch of drunk adults? Welcome to my own private Hell. This was my first foray into ‘the real world’.

On my first day of work the managers realized how fucking clueless I was. I could barely wipe my own ass or cook microwaved dinners without burning down the kitchen, so they kept me away from anything cooking or fire related. My first task was to clean the bathrooms. When you mix greasy food with a bunch of hyperactive children, you get explosive diarrhea, vomit, rancid piss, and other bodily excrement. Kids aren’t known for their hygiene, so the bathrooms resembled a Tijuana porta-potty after Cinco De Mayo. I definitely earned my $5.75/hr.

When I was 16 I was happy, jovial and completely fucking naive to the world. When the managers realized I would gleefully clean up shit, they figured I’d be good management material (he cleans up shit and doesn’t complain? PROMOTE HIM!). A month later they found some other sucker to scoop up the poo/vomit extravaganza and moved me over to hosting birthday parties for a quarter more per hour. BALLIN’!!! This required me to wear bicycle shorts, tuck in my little red polo and wear a dinky visor. My scrawny, hairless chicken legs resembled something that should be grilling on the deep fryer, not doing the ‘Chuck E shuffle’ in front of a couple dozen mortified children and their parents. I would get on stage and lead all the little hellions by singing the birthday song to whichever ever little bastard fuck-child was born that day. To say I lost my dignity would imply that I actually had some in the first place. While my football player friends were out getting drunk and banging the perky breasted cheerleaders on a Saturday night, I was dancing around in front of a 100 screaming children completely embarrassing myself for tips. Welcome to the teenage version of Life As Nick… *sigh*.

Sundays were especially difficult. Erik, the guy who usually would dress up as Chuck E, wouldn’t show up for work or he’d stumble in like three hours late. Like most 16 year old guys on a Saturday night, he was out getting drunk with his friends. When he wouldn’t show up the managers would run to me in a frenzy, “NICK, WE NEED A CHUCK-E! CUT THE SONG AND DANCE STUFF SHORT AND GO CHANGE! By the way, nice legs!”. Getting into the Chuck E uniform took about 10 minutes. I had a cramped closet to get changed in and sometimes the lighting wouldn’t work. I would get dressed in the dark and cuss out God for bestowing me with such a crappy first job. The suit itself was about 40lbs and on hot days it was like being in a 115° furnace. Welcome to Hell, population: me.

I’d come out and all the kids would run up and tackle me. Some kids were very nice and loving. The rest of them were evil personified x10. They thought it would be funny to punch Chuck E in the stomach (which was my groin), and/or pull Chuck E’s arms and legs with their Thundercat strength. This would always result in a ‘wardrobe malfunction’. I could assemble a better Chuck E costume using my McGyver skills with paper plates, paper clips, and paper towels. Back in 1999 when I worked at Chuck E. Cheese, Chuck E had a tail. Chuck E no longer has a tail. The little Mexican children that would frequent my establishment thought it was a good idea to step on Chuck E’s tail while he was doing the ‘Chuck E shuffle’, thus ripping a gargantuan hole in the back of the suit and causing me to tumble over in my 115° coffin. My last words were, “OHH FUCK!!“, which I was later told by my manager as, “inappropriate language around small children”.

Fucking kids.

On slow days the managers asked the most sober team members to clean up some of the game machines and toys. Every single one of us would rush to the ball-pen, regardless. That place was a treasure chest of freebies!

Every day some little kid would play in the ball-pen and start screaming bloody murder. Like clockwork, their parents would climb in and triumphantly rescue their children. Of course, they had no idea their children pissed, shat, and barfed all over the balls. With all the colorful spheres of fun, no one really noticed. Nor did anyone notice daddy’s wallet slip out of his back pocket, either. We would find (among other more undesirable findings), purses, watches, wedding rings, a toupee, a wild field mouse that was feeding on a crusty mozzarella stick, and countless cell phones. There was so much bacteria swimming in our ball-pen that I was worried the Center For Disease Control would shut us down and declare our location as a contaminated bio-hazard site.  That didn’t stop us from diving in and finding wallets–wallets that were always missing only cash for some reason… I plead the fifth.

Finally, after a year of getting physically abused, insulted (kids would literally tell me to go fuck myself. Seriously), parents would claim I overcharged them constantly and constant complaints (“the pizza tastes like a moldy scrotum”, “who was Chuck E. and why did he slap my daughter?”, “why do the tables smell like barf?”, etc), I finally submitted my resignation. I was making side money at my high school by selling my mom’s anti-depressant pills to the rich Christian kids, so why the fuck would I submit myself to a weekend of punishment at Chuck E. Cheese’s when I could get drunk with the football team and fuck cheerleaders all weekend? The choice for me was simple: I’d rather sell illegal narcotics @ my school then work a legitimate job for minimum wage… and, of course, fuck horny teen cheerleaders.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Take your fucking kids to the park. If you bring them to Chuck E. Cheese you’ll bring them home with more diseases then a leper colony. No one washes the balls. The pizza is usually cooked by an ex-con and as a condition of his parole, he must not step foot on the sales floor near any small children. The managers are all wishing their BA in Business was better spent on something else, and each one of the teenage employees are so fucking miserable that they spend their gratuity on charcoal filtered Vodka to drown out the incessant screaming and crying of small children that plagues them non-stop.

If people wonder why I dislike children, this is why. Try working with other people’s kids for minimum wage. You’ll grow a healthy disdain for anything that crawls out of a vagina and cries/whines/throws a tantrum. Trust me ladies and gents, they only get worse as they get older. I think every single guy needs to work at Chuck E. Cheese’s to realize why wearing a condom and force-feeding your cock princess birth control pills are imperative.

Sometimes I wish I was sterile. Thank you, Chuck E. Cheese’s.

[ ADDENDUM: Oh yeah. All the money I made that I didn't blow on Vodka, my mom put in a bank account for me. I saved $1,200 to be used for my first car. Well, my mom used it for bills and rent. When I was 17 and planning a trip to a prospective college, I asked my mom for my money so I could buy a car and go to L.A. to schedule college interviews. She politely told me that all my money evaporated like a fart in a hurricane. I spent an entire year dealing with those evil little fuckers for... NOTHING??!! Now I'm bitter and hate kids with nothing to show for it. Once again, thanks mom! ]

Every year I write up a list of ‘celebrity dream babes’ that I would give my left testicle to have sex with (well, AFTER having sex with them, of course). I know there are millions of other hotter girls lurking in the shadows that aren’t famous, but they aren’t rich and they probably don’t want to take care of me, so fuck ‘em. This edition comes with pictures!  There’s a surprising new #1 girl and a brand new addition to the list that none of you have ever heard of, so enjoy my eye candy. Let’s begin with #12:

12.

Megan Fox

This bitch is on every guy’s hottest woman list (and probably every woman’s list, too). In real life she is honestly very humble and respectful. I’ve never read an interview from her that made me think, “wow, this girl is a bitch”, which is probably why she’s not higher on my list. Feisty little minx’s really jump start my libido. It makes sport fucking them so much more of a turn-on.

11.

Kate Bosworth

Kate use to be my number 1 for three years. I have a thing for chop-stick thin girls. If a girl is bigger than me and can probably kick my ass in a bar fight, that’s no bueno. I can’t have that. With Kate, there is something about her that sharpens my penis. To this day, I can’t watch Blue Crush without maintaining a 90 minute erection. And she steals every scene in ‘Superman Returns’ with her unassuming smart girl theatrics. Yeah baby, come to SuperNick!

10.

Christina Aguilera

When Christina had her little “dirrrty” phase a few years ago, I was suffering from a terminal case of ‘Instant Erectification’. Pierced nipples? Slutty, sultry music? SIGN ME UP! On top of that, she is an awesome wife. She has no problem taking her husband to strip clubs, getting drunk, and basically being the coolest (and hottest) road dog ever. That, and she’s insanely talented and doesn’t make horrible music that sounds like two chainsaws fighting in a steel dumpster. Talented chicks with big, fake tits = fuck yeah!

09.

Rachel Bilson

Rumor on the streets is that Rachel is going to be the next Wonder Woman (there’s another rumor that I’m going to impregnate her with my super sperm and she’ll fall in love with me, but that rumor is unsubstantiated). I’m almost tempted to become an evil super-villain so she can saunter into my criminal lair and arrested me in tight booty shorts with her exquisite breasts popping out of her WW tube top. Hell, this bitch is so hot I even stomached a few episodes of The O.C. to see her in a bathing suit. Of course, my erection was rock hard the entire time, so it was totally worth it.

08.

Miranda Kerr

My list wouldn’t be complete without at least ONE Victoria’s Secret model. Miranda Kerr is my favorite. Slender, perky tits, one of the nicest white girl asses in the history of mankind. Just last month she posed topless on the beach for a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot. I didn’t leave the confines of my computer chair for most of the month. My eyes were fixated on the monitor so long that I nearly went blind. So much blood rushed to my penis that, if given the proper amount of force, would have spontaneous combusted. Thank you, Miranda Kerr!

07.

Christian Milian

Yeah, yeah. I like skinny white girls with perky tits. Everybody knows that. But I’m an equal opportunity horn dog. Christina Milian is flawlessly gorgeous from head to toe. Though she just had a kid (ugh), she still looks amazing as a MILF. Even having a crying Mogwai crawl out of your vag can’t take away from her saucy sex appeal. Plus, I know she fucks like a pornstar, too. Just look at her and tell me you can’t see that. I can see it!

06.

Ellen Page

Juno is one of my all time favorite movies. I swear to God, if I ever met a non-pregnant version of Juno (who is at least 18), I would marry her in a second. Ellen Page played that role perfectly. Sarcastic, snarky, and very intelligent, which are qualities in beautiful women that keep the blood pumping to my penis (and in Ellen’s case, my heart). Looks wise, she embodies damn never every trait I prefer in a woman: petite, feminine, naturally gorgeous, etc. She’s got that Canadian wholesome girlfriend look going for her. She would rank higher but she’s a feminist and we all know women are objects of our attraction, not real people.

05.

Mila Kunis

Mila Kunis is Russia’s finest export next to Vodka and that one beast-looking dude in the UFC who is unbeatable. Vodka gets me insanely drunk and the UFC fighter could kill me with one punch, but Mila could keep me warm even in a Siberian winter. She’s hilarious in real life and oozes sex appeal (her newest photoshoots for Complex magazine burned a hole in my boxers). She’s one of those superbabes that seems to get better looking with age. If I had the ability to clone women, I’d start with Mila Kunis. Well, after I was done ravaging her vagina with my Cock-A-Saurus Rex, of course.

04.

Vanessa Hudgens

Moving down to 4th place this year is HSM’s super hottie, Vanessa Hudgens. She’s 21 now so I don’t feel bad about wanting to spear her vagina with my Spartan man-tool. Plus, her naked pictures are all over the internet (more hot women need to follow Vanessa’s footsteps and post their naked pictures on the internet for my ‘recreational activities’). Her jet black hair, black painted nails, dark, smokey eyes mixed with a look that says, “yes, I’m a screamer. Fuck me harder, Mr. Sterling“. Yes, Vanessa. I will. Right now. Get naked. Again. Plus, out of everyone on this list, I think she has the firmest tits. Thank God for hot 21 year old girls and their firm tits. It’s the only reason I put up with their shit.

03.

Lights

Who is Lights? This is Lights. If I was ever lucky enough to date a beautiful female musician, Lights would be the epitome of my fantasies. She’s uber-talented, humble, 22 years old, and has a devoted indie following. There is nothing about this girl I dislike. In fact, I’d totally eat out her asshole. I don’t like assholes, but for her I’d make an exception. Three and a half minutes alone with her and I would die a happy man. Seriously.

02.

Natalie Portman

What other girls on this list have in looks, Natalie has in brains. I’m not being sexist when I say that most women are retarded, because sadly, it’s true. Natalie is not only beautiful, talented, funny (her SNL parody is hysterical), but highly educated, speaks five languages, and graduated from Stanford WHILE filming movies! She has a bohemian persona and is seemingly attracted to intellectuals, which is rare for Hollywood starlets. She is the type of girl that would fuck me like a pornstar and then light up a joint and debate the merits of 18th century philosophers. To put it bluntly (see what I did there?), she is my ultimate dream girlfriend. No one can compare to Natalie Portman. She’s the only girl I could bring home to mom and she’d say, “how in the hell did you get such a perfect girl to date you, Nick?”. Yup, that’s why she’s my dream girlie.

BUT WAIT! There’s one more!

01.

Hayden Panettiere

My infatuation with Hayden Panettiere is purely sexual. I don’t care what charity she stands for, what she says, or anything she does in whatever career she thinks she has. I want to pile drive my dick so far into her vagina that she’ll burp my cum bubbles when I ejaculate. Size wise, she is the perfect balance for me. She’s not all Auschwitz skinny (like Kate Bosworth) but not fat and chunky (like my first two ex-girlfriends), either. A healthy mix of flawless skin (Neutrogena must really work!), manicured/pedicured nails, a gorgeous Colgate smile, a firm handful of tits, and a vagina that must be the size of a coin slot. I would sell my mother on the black market to drunken Haitian rapists for a few precious seconds to do anything remotely sexual to Hayden. Sorry, mom.

Hayden and Nick Sterling. It has a distinctive ring to it, doesn’t? Sadly, my affection for Hayden must wait. She’s dating a world champion heavyweight boxer who’s Ukrainian or Russian. I know better to fuck with those guys and their women. In fact, I know better to FUCK their women, too. Russian bitches are crazy.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Jessica Alba, Kristin Kruek, Alison Lohman (who is hanging up on my mirror right now flirting with me), Rachel McAdams, Emmy Rossum, Zooey Deschanel, KIERA KNIGHTLY, Carrie Underwood, Emma Watson, Charlize Theron, Josie Maran, Jordana Brewster, and Kristen Bell. I’d say Angelina Jolie but Brad Pitt is far too cool of a guy for a douchebag like me to bang his wife. Plus, she’ll probably fuck me into an early grave which I’d enjoy immensely.

Author Note: Now before anyone gets their Victoria Secret panties in a twist, let me make something very clear: I’m not intentionally offending any standardized religion. Especially Christianity or Catholicism. It’s all unintentional and misaligned humor. Personally, religion isn’t my cup of wine. I prefer to be evil because I have much more fun that way. With that said, if you are one of those retarded Jesus-freaks that sees anything remotely sarcastic or humor-based in bad taste, then save yourself the trouble and go read one of my other more religion-friendly stories, like the one questioning why God (or whatever religious deity you believe in) had to create beautiful women with ugly vaginas. What the fuck is up with that? Do yourself a favor and PASS OVER this if you object to my vernacular.

Ok, let’s use our imaginations and pretend Jesus Christ never died for our sins on the cross thousands of years ago. Let’s pretend he was living in exile in some run down shanty in bumfuck Syria. I don’t know about you, but I’d be pretty damn cranky even if I was the son of God. He might have been high and mighty then, but having seen what this world has become I’m pretty sure he’s fed up and ornery. This is how Jesus would act if he was alive in 2010:

Jesus, Noah, and Moses after an all night wine bender:

MOSES: “Let my people GO!”
2010 Jesus “Shut the fuck up Moses, like seriously”
MOSES: “Jesus, but my people need to stop worshiping false idols!”
2010 Jesus “You are going to be worshiping my foot in your ass if you don’t shut up. Jesus has a hangover. Don’t make me put you on Noah’s ark with the animals”
NOAH: “What ark, Jesus? I shall not forsaken you for–”
2010 Jesus “Noah, shut the fuck up, too. I’m Jesus, bitch. Get me some more wine and be quick about it or I’ll flood your life with God’s waste of creation and call it humanity. Oh wait. I’m too damn late, FML!”
NOAH: “Yes, master”
2010 Jesus “Oh, and fuck unicorns. God said no more unicorns because they keep crapping all over the villagers and stabbing people to death with their horns. I’m putting a stop to that shit RIGHT NOW! How about a high five for Jesus’ subtle pun?”.
NOAH: “But Jesus of Nazareth, what shall I replace the unicorns with?”
2010 Jesus “Poison dart frogs, box jelly fish, and toss in one Bigfoot to make things interesting”.

____________________

Jesus with Peter, one of his 12 apostles:

PETER: “Jesus, may I follow thee?”
2010 Jesus “Yeah, Jesus needs another follower like Mary needs her virginity back, get the fuck outtah here”
PETER: “Jesus, I am going to write that the majority of Christians view the similarities between specific Western Catholic/Eastern Orthodox, and many Protestant doctrines found in their Catechetical or confessional texts are the word of God, ok?”
2010 Jesus “What the fuck did you just say?”
PETER: “I said that–”
2010 Jesus “I heard what you said, dipshit. I’m the son of God! I heard it before you even thought it. Now who does Jesus have to condemn to get a blowjob around these parts?”
PETER: “Jesus, uhhh… that’s not proper conduct for the messiah of Christian–”
2010 Jesus “What am I, surrounded by Jews?”
PETER: “Actually, yes”
2010 Jesus “Fuck me running”
PETER: “That’s not very God like, either”
2010 Jesus “Neither is burning in hell for eternity. Fuck off Peter, Jesus wants some pink stink! NOW!”.

____________________

Jesus conversing with a born-again Christian about his past infidelity:

RANDOM SINNER: “Jesus, I pray that you will bring me peace, happiness and give my wife a healthy and happy life”
2010 Jesus “Didn’t you cheat on your wife with an Egyptian slave hooker?”
RANDOM SINNER: “I did, but you forgave me for my sins and now I’m a born again Christian”
2010 Jesus *muttering* “More like ‘born again dumbass‘”
RANDOM SINNER: “What do you mean, my holiness?”
2010 Jesus “Nothing, fine. I forgive you. Say five hail Mary’s and be done with it. Now go fetch Jesus some white Zinfandel and be snappy about it. I don’t want to miss Jerry Springer”

____________________

Jesus isn’t really known for his tact with atheists, especially in 2010:

ATHEIST: “How do I know you are the real deal, Jesus?”
2010 Jesus “How do you know I’m not the real deal, smart guy?”
ATHEIST: “Well, empirical evidence and Darwin says that you are really a product of Creationalistic—”
2010 Jesus “Shut the fuck up right now, just stop talking. That’s all wrong”
ATHEIST: “But I know that you’re not—what, I’m wrong? Prove it!”
2010 Jesus “Do you believe in the Easter bunny?”
ATHEIST: “What? Why? No, of course not, the Easter bunny doesn’t exist, obviously!!!”
2010 Jesus “Proved. Your planetary race has been around for tens of thousands of years and you still believe in fairy tales? I bet you believe in leprechauns, too. Hey, on my birthday you can ask Santa if he’s more real than me”
ATHEIST: “Fair, but can you explain the Bible? What’s that all about?”
2010 Jesus “Stories. Good ones, too. They were the best stories until Harry Potter came around and stole all my thunder.”
ATHEIST: “Jesus, if you ARE real, you have to be the biggest cynic in the world!”
2010 Jesus “Try putting up with idiots like you for 2,000+ years. Want to know why the planet sucks? Because you moronic throwbacks of evolution keep arguing about what I supposedly said and meant. Then, you boringly normal human beings with no Superman-Jesus powers (like me) made it all up and slaughtered people that disagreed with your hierarchical structure and fear logic. Is my name on the front of the Bible saying, Authored by Jesus? No, some King James motherfucker stole that from me. Do you have any DNA evidence of my existence? I watch C.S.I. every week. I know if you can find half a millimeter of a pubic hair on a toothbrush in the ass crack of a kangaroo, proving me real should be a walk in the park.

I’m the most talked about man in history and all I want is to get a good night sleep without one of you idiots praying for stupid shit you don’t need. So kick rocks! Jesus needs a nap, some willing jailbait whores from Myspace, and a couple dozen Quaalude’s for this splitting headache. Oh, and whenever Becca is single, bring her to me. I’ll forgive her for all her sins because she was born on April Fool’s Day. Jesus forgives all gorgeous fools, especially Becca, because she’s oh-so-lovable.

Oh, and I’m sick of driving my Maserati down Hollywood and Vine and dealing with all these pretentious rich idiots in their Beemer’s and Benz’s! I’m going to revoke their Heaven pass for being selfish. In the meantime, I’m going to go back to the prehistoric days and travel by Raptor.  That should clear out traffic a little”.