The NNN (The Nick News Network)

The Nick Sterling News Network

CLICK ON THE FUCKING PICTURE!

I try not to mince words.

This is the EDD appeal paperwork I am sending in to the state of California. Why? Because I’m an asshole, that’s why.  I know I got shit-canned at my work for being an unruly son of a bitch, but I literally had a legitimate claim. I didn’t quit, abandon my job or prison shank any of my co-workers, so helping me out with $200/week for a month until I found another job I could eventually get fired from was the difference between me being all happy go-lucky this holiday season and me slamming my boner on my computer desk in absolute frustration.

The state of California gives these ditch monkey’s subsidized housing and Welfare for not using birth control and making poor decisions and I tell this total thundercunt of a female supervisor she is reconstituted donkey vomit and suddenly I’m not liable for a little social assistance? You know what? Fuck you, California. Fuck you with a titanium alloy spiked dildo covered in wombat excrement. And if anybody thinks that’s harsh, well, fuck you, too.

I’m going to rape the state of Cali-fawn-yuh for taxes next month and then I am going to join a militia and shoot guns at foreign brown people. At the very least, I can go back to buying booze for rich high school kids in Arizona and not have to worry about working. Sure, I might have a 16 year old girl crying in my cat’s litterbox after she drank three O’Douls, but at least that’s better then filling out all this bullshit paperwork just to get money you’re going to spend on the Mexican family of 14 living next door to me. At least the girl will put out and give me something for my effort, after she gets the cat shit off her toes, of course.

Fuck rules. It’s time to live illegal again.

It’s evident from my previous posts that I’m a Lil Wayne fan. How many people support Black History Month by writing about a rapper who’s claim to fame is drinking cough syrup and talking about pussy, money, cars, clothes and kissing his boss on the lips? Needless to say, I like the guy. Last night solidified Lil Wayne in Nick Sterling’s, “Real Nigga Hall Of Fame“. And before you testy types get my vernacular twisted, I used the ‘n’ word in a different context. Trust me, there’s a few white people in the ‘RN-HOF’, too.

He rhymes words.

And if you hate acronyms, FML! LOL

Anyhoo, one of the life long members in the Nick Sterling fan club happens to be a very successful, very sober and incredibly amazing DJ that is currently working for LiveNation as their VIP DJ. I just so happen to be a very unsuccessful, very unsober and incredibly big pain in the ass that knows this DJ. Beyond working for Hooters (on his recommendation) and joining him on his wedding/graduation/concert gigs, I am his duct tape engineer. Yesterday, I zip-tied his banner in the VIP section and that was the extent of my involvement. Jokingly, he called that a promotion.

Yes, my friends love me, as long as I don’t write about them.

What’s more amazing about tagging along with said DJ on his adventures are the people. I’ve never been to a concert with 20,000 people and been in the VIP section. In fact, I’m not a very important person and I don’t think I ever will be. But the people who think they are, well, they are worth talking about. For the first time in the history of this self-righteous web site, I am going to talk about OTHER PEOPLE! *facepalm* *gasp* *hymen burst*.

1. V.I.P. doesn’t mean, “very important person”. For guys, it’s “VISUAL IMAGE PROGRESSION”. They think that being seen in VIP enhances their appeal and stature as a human being. I use to think the same thing when I was in seventh grade. I got picked for the all-star basketball team and I thought I was hot shit because I could toss a circular object through a cylindrical hoop. But, that didn’t stop me from pimping the freshman middle school girls into giving me a rub & tug behind the auditorium during lunch by saying, “yeah, I AM ON THE ALL-STAR TEAM!”.

 

2. The DJ is not a jukebox. I was privileged enough to handle the music while the lesser known acts were taking stage. I look like an asshole and my demeanor is more “rattlesnake” than “cuddly”, so people generally avoided me like ninth grade Algebra, but the real DJ? How are you going to assume he will play Justin Bieber at a hip-hop show? Are you really that self-absorbed that you want to HEAR what YOU WANT? Oh wait, you’re in VIP…

 

3. The staff in the V.I.P. section hate you. Not a mild disdain for your company, but they have a bottomless loathing for your presence that would be akin to Ted Bundy’s appreciation of women. They are paid hourly. They might not be good with numbers, but all of them count the nanoseconds until the shit-fested concert is over. Beyond that, they mentally prepare for -your- crowd. Toby Keith has a show? Expect a bunch of good ‘ol boys and their Daisy Duke eye candy. Lil Wayne? I was at the merch table and three dozen very unhappy security guards walked into the event and took a look at me and shook their heads. Why? Because hip-hop attracts idiot fans, that’s why. Stereotypes exist for a reason and they were there because of them.

 

4. Your V.I.P. ticket that you paid $300 for only gets you a free drink and some catered food. No, you cannot meet Lil Wayne. His security detail makes sure that you can’t bottle his sweat and drink it after the show. You don’t get a free handjob nor do you get access to their tour buses. The perks of VIP? Image. I was the same guy who walked outside to see Lil Wayne’s set and I was the very same guy who walked back in VIP to get free beer after it was over.

 

5. Why did I get free beer? Because I know the DJ. Why was I there in the first place? Because of the DJ. What is the absolute last thing you say to get into a VIP room/lounge/space? “I know the DJ”. That’s code for, “get the fuck out of here”. I’m only “cool enough” to be “where I am” because I got lucky and befriended a Mexican with a bad jumpshot on the middle school basketball courts. He trusts me with $5,000+ worth of audio equipment, that’s why I’m there. You are there because you paid Ticketmaster a fuck-load of money to let you pretend to be above someone else. I’m more important than you and your overly priced ticket.

 

6. I wore my Raptor/Jesus t-shirt I made specifically FROM THIS WEBSITE that you are currently reading. Why? Because Nick Sterling is comfortable wearing t-shirts and jeans to hip-hop shows. This isn’t a Milan run-way. I could show up wearing a Gucci handbag, button-down Armani and walking like I just got fucked in the ass by Antoine Dodson from “Bed Intruder” internet fame, but why? You are here for the MUSIC! I’d show up in my boxers and Jesus/raptor shirt if they’d let me in the gates. Shit, what do you think I’m wearing while writing this?

 

7. Beautiful women are the world’s best currency. I can be dead broke, but walk into the hottest Gaslamp/Hollywood clubs unabated without paying a peso if I’m with some hot bitches. I was raised by women and I have had the pleasure of dating some of the hottest girls on the planet (in my glaucoma-ridden vision), so I know the benefits of having a female entourage. However, don’t try and pull a fast one on people who know better. If you walk into VIP with strippers, you’re over-selling. And, you’re telling hustlers like me that you carry cash. I walked in the employee entrance. You came through the front gate where they frisked you for weapons. The security guards like me more, so what happens when I call you out? Rookie move.

 

8. Lil Wayne is funny as fuck in person. His interludes during the show were more Comedy than Central.

 

9. Ok, you know I saved the best for last. It’s Lil Wayne/Rick Ross/Lloyd; it’s the, “I AM MUSIC TOUR”. So, are you really going to show up in the VIP lounge 9 months pregnant? If your claim to fame in life is having your first generation Welfare recipient baby at a Lil Wayne concert, then you are a horrible human being. I’m sorry, but I can’t call it any other way. I saw THREE pregnant chicks in VIP. 3!!?! I won’t even use my edumacation and methamaticall skills to figure out how many chicks were knocked up in the crowd. I’m a big Joe Budden fan, but if he texted me and said, “ayo, Nick. VIP and drinks covered for mah show“, as much as I love him, I WOULDN’T BRING A PREGNANT WOMAN TO HIS CONCERT!! Mix 20,000 potentially unruly music fans + alcohol = boiler room. It was like 75° last night. I’m sure that baby is going to come out all normal and stuff.

What this shows (hah), is that even taking me into public in a very exclusive setting, is bad news bears. I looked at these people and I thought, “this is what someone Lil Wayne attracts as a fan?”, then I realized most of his fanbase is based on image. Fair enough. It explained why I chose him for my first article about Black History Month–because he actually speaks to the people.

Imagine image? Hmm. What if I changed mine?